Finding Strength Part II: Marrying Outside the Temple, My Spouse Doesn’t Know the Real Me

         While it’s not advice that I’d recommend to most, the truth is that running away from my problems worked. There were a few rough weeks as I scrambled around finding ways to survive.

Luckily, I was hired on the spot after an interview at Vivint Smart Home. I started working in their customer service call center which helped me save up enough money to buy a car and a bed. A few weeks later I was able to buy a bedding set for that bed. From there, my life continued to fall into place.

         Living in Utah, I quickly realized that I would have trouble fitting in if I didn’t conform to the culture. I fully immersed myself in the dominant religion of the area. I did nothing but desperately study this religion and work. I got to a point where I truly felt like I believed everything they were teaching me.

I lost myself in this culture. Because of this, I was able to get clean and sober for the first time in years. Unfortunately, the facade I created started to crack under the pressure of perfection. My secrets started to slip out of my grasp, and eventually it was well-known that I wasn’t the type of girl you wanted to take home to your parents. I was crushed, desperate, and craving human connection.

         Since I wasn’t having any luck meeting people at church or work, I decided to join a few dating apps. The dating apps were great! I was frequently asked out on dates which helped keep me fed and entertained for cheap! There were a lot of gross men and horrible dates (I could write an entire book with some of the stories!) but there were also many wonderful dates that helped lift my spirits and provided a lot of fun experiences for me during a really difficult time.

Unfortunately, there was a common theme during this phase of my life. Any time one of these nice guys got to know the real me, they’d immediately bail. I was on a constant roller coaster of getting my hopes up and then being devastated when nobody liked the real me.

I was honest about my past hoping that someone could see the hard work I’d put in and appreciate my journey, but instead they all dropped off the face of the Earth. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break.

          I was about to give up on dating altogether and was considering moving home to Alaska. But fate had other plans and I ended up meeting my husband. From the moment we met we had an instant connection.  After months of repeated rejection, I had finally met someone who was interested in pursuing me exclusively.

There was only one problem: I hadn’t been completely honest with him about my past. I found myself embellishing my story or omitting important details. I was so afraid to say the wrong thing and scare him away, so I let him fall in love with a version of me that didn’t truly exist.

         One thing led to another and we ended up spending a night together. I was his first girlfriend, which meant that I was also the first woman he had ever been intimate with. Belonging to a religion and a culture where exploring sexuality before marriage was considered “unworthy” and was extremely frowned upon led to mountains of guilt forming in our relationship.

I felt guilty that I had lied to this man, allowed him to fall in love with me, and then seduced him. He felt guilty for giving into temptation and having sex before marriage. The guilt didn’t stop us though, and eventually we were spending every moment together. He moved into my apartment and we fell deeply in love at an accelerated pace.

         A few weeks into our new relationship he took me to the next town over to meet his family. I instantly felt at home with them and knew I wanted that feeling in my life forever. A few weeks after this meeting he proposed, and I accepted.

I was only 19 years old. He was only 21. We were young and naïve, and as silly as it sounds looking back, at this point of engagement we had only been dating for 6 weeks. It’s important to call out that at this point I was still trying to be someone I wasn’t, and he was still in the dark about my true past.

          We wanted to get married the way people in our religion traditionally did, but to do so you had to pass a “worthiness interview”. Because we were regularly having sex, we knew we weren’t going to be considered worthy.

We met with leaders of our church and began the process of repenting for our sins. We were told if we could stay celibate for 6 months, we would be able to have a spring wedding in the temple as worthy members of the church. We tried desperately, but we were too attracted to each other and failed to keep our hands off of each other.

          We decided within the first week of our engagement that we would hurry and elope and then work towards a “real” wedding in the temple later. On November 30th, 2013 we had a small ceremony without any bells or whistles. We eloped in a beautiful outdoor spot up near Sundance resort. It was freezing cold, but it only lasted 5 minutes.

A few members of his family and a few of his friends were there. I hadn’t given my family enough notice to make the trip from Alaska, so I married a man who hadn’t even met my parents. I tried not to let this get to me, but I learned the day of the wedding that his parents weren’t going to allow his 3 younger siblings to attend because they felt that we were setting a bad example by getting married outside of the temple.

         This hurt my feelings deeply. I couldn’t help but feel a little lonely on this day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I felt empty and alone. I was rushing into a marriage with a man I hardly knew. I felt like his family didn’t approve of me, and I knew deep down they had good reason not to.

I was overcome with the guilt of being the only one who knew that our relationship was built on a foundation lies. I knew if he ever found out the truth that he would have every reason in the world to end our marriage and leave me alone once again. I shoved these feelings down and before saying my vows to him, I vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to become this perfect alternative version of me.

He deserved that, and I desperately wanted to be that. Unfortunately, living a lie was a lot harder than it originally sounded. My story started to slowly crumble. He eventually pieced together a few of my lies and learned the truth about who I had been. However, he shocked me when he chose to stay committed to our marriage.

          Looking back, it’s hard to admit how dishonest I was. My intention was never to hurt him, but I was so lost and broken during this time. I desperately wanted a loving family to belong to, and I seized my opportunity. I also realized in retrospect that he stayed not out of love, but out of fear of being alone.

He and I had one major thing in common when we met, we were both desperately lonely and craved the intimacy of family. Even though I was far from perfect, I offered him love and commitment. He recognized that and wanted to keep that in his life.

In the next part of my story, I will discuss more troubling family dynamics, secret habits, and the surprises that came with our attempts toward worthiness.

For Finding Strength Part I, click here.

For Finding Strength Part III, click here.

For Finding Strength Part IV, click here.