Sink or Swim Part 1: Anxiety and a Relationship, How do I Know if I Should Get Married? by Anonymous

How do I know if I should get married? Is it a feeling, is it trust, is it a risk?

Knowing whether or not you should get married is very personal, but we recommend taking time to get to know your partner. See them when they’re angry, upset, frustrated, and stressed. Ask them every single question — nothing is off-limits.

This author understands that anxiety and a relationship can make progression very difficult. Don’t hesitate to consult with people you trust, including loved ones, leaders, and therapists. Here is one woman’s story.

I grew up a very happy person. I loved my family, loved my friends, loved what I did.

School came easy to me, and I was accepted into the college of my dreams. During my freshman year at college, I was at my ideal weight, had the picture perfect friend group, went on several dates with good looking boys, and was top of my class in the rigorous business school.

When the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that women could serve a Service Mission at the age of 19, instead of 21, I was eager to go serve as a newly-turned nineteen-year-old. I loved God, and I wanted to help others find the happiness I had. 

I said goodbye to my loving family, apologized for the wedding and big moments of my best friends I would miss, ended my relationship with my handsome boyfriend, and went to serve! 

Before I dive into my marriage, you need the background information. My experiences on my mission shaped and changed me. 

LDS Mission Anxiety

All in all, I am grateful for my mission. I met incredible people, and made everlasting friends. I was able to explore a new country and see the beautiful nature of it. I was able to serve others.

With that said, I also was exposed to truly horrific conditions and situations. I grew up in a bubble, and now I was seeing and hearing things that haunt me to this day. For example…

Every mission has a Mission President, AKA leader, who is in charge of the entire mission and its missionaries.

I believe that the church is perfect, and I also believe that people inside of it are not perfect.

My experience with the mission leader was very difficult for me, personally. Others may have loved it or formed a different relationship.

But for me, I always felt like I was “not enough.” The mission leader told us that if we were not baptizing, we must be sinning. We would have to be EXACTLY obedient in order to be “righteous enough” to find people to teach. 

Each week, as I looked at the lack of people I was able to find to teach, I grew more and more depressed and anxious. Nothing I did was right.

I must be doing something wrong. I overanalyzed all my actions, worried that one wrong move would mean failing my mission, the mission president, and ultimately God.

I felt like God was upset with me and “punishing” me because of the lack of people I found to teach.

Was I not worthy enough to find His children to teach? Each week, the mission leader would send a letter of the status of the mission, and how much we needed to improve. Each week, I cried in anger of my lack of perfection. 

By the end of the mission, I had this new negative “feeling” within me. I didn’t know what it was.

Anxiety and a Relationship

As I returned to college and to my classes, this new feeling was my constant companion. To describe it, it was as if this huge boulder was constantly crushing me.

Almost every thought I had brought up a worry. I didn’t realize what this was. No matter what I did, how big or how small, I second guessed every decision I made, and agonized over every choice presented to me.

I cried all the time, keeping this torment to myself. 

Then I met W (For privacy, I am going to call my now-husband simply by W). We had an instant connection.

He made me so incredibly happy. I loved talking with him, getting to know him, dating him. After months of dating, we said “I love yous.” That horrible feeling had quieted down, and I thought it was gone for good. 

When W started to speak about marriage, it all changed. Suddenly, that feeling that I developed after my mission, the one I had during the last of my college, was back in full force.

How Do I Know if I Should Get Married?

My mind was racing from the second I woke up to the second I went to sleep. I would think of all the reasons to marry W, and all the reasons not to. I agonized in the decision.

I felt alone. Should it really be this hard?

I started to self-sabotage. I started to pick fights with W, then when he got angry, I would then play the “victim” and cry until he was the one comforting me. I was angry and upset all the time. 

I was so confused about what to do. Some days, I was so clear that I was going to marry W.

Then, literally, the next day, I would be the complete opposite, that nagging feeling inside me saying to break it off.

I would think that W wasn’t good enough. That I could do better. This battle inside my head was noisy, chaotic, and I grew more and more exhausted each day.

I prayed night and day. I asked God for guidance. Crickets. Nothing. Zip. 

The feeling from my mission was a full force at this point. Was I a sinner? What I not being perfect? Is this why God isn’t answering my prayers? 

I decided to go to individual counseling to seek help. After two years of this “feeling” I had with my after my mission, I finally got answers.

I received my diagnosis: I have high anxiety and high (functioning) depression. They told me that people can develop this in their early years, especially when placed in extreme pressure situations.

In my case, I had developed this during my mission. (And to be clear: I don’t blame God, I don’t blame The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is just the card I have been dealt, and with Jesus I know I can overcome.) 

Knowing my diagnosis, I was able to develop tools in order to cope with the anxiety and depression. I for once, felt PEACE more often than not – which was a HUGE step. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough.

Finally, I was able to feel comfortable telling my love, my #1 support partner, W, YES! We got married a few months later. 

What I can say is the wedding was sweet. I did have an enormous amount of anxiety during it, but I look back on the day with fond memories. 

And just like that, we lived happily ever after. We have a perfect marriage, my anxiety just disappeared, and we have all the money in the world for lavish vacations and an amazing starter home …. HA! Just kidding.

This isn’t Instagram. This isn’t Snapchat. This isn’t Facebook. This is real life. 

Look out for Part 2 of my story (Sink or Swim), where I dive into betrayal of trust, sickness in marriage, and rebuilding a marriage.

Comment below if you have anxiety and/or depression — and what techniques you use in your marriage to deal with it? I need all the help I can get!