Cutting Single Life Short: Mourning Single Life, Struggling with Marriage and Motherhood by Jessica

I was the typical girl at BYU who came, studied Elementary Education, and married a young RM at age 20.  

Except I had never wanted that. I wanted to travel the world, meet and date a lot of boys, graduate and use my degree, and live independently away from home for years before “settling down”.

It’s hard for me to explain how hard this was for me.  

I grew up in Ohio. I didn’t date before I went to college. At all. I had been on two dates.  One was actually with some guy I met while visiting Utah over the summer.  And another was a guy from my stake that I had no interest in.  

I grew up the only member in my grade, and there wasn’t a single other boy my age at church.  It was fine. I had so much fun with girlfriends and my life had absolutely no drama in it.  I loved high school.  It was a blast. Yet by my senior year, I was ready to be around guys that shared my standards and goals and were interested in being with a girl that wanted good things. 

I came to BYU and felt like I had the whole world at my fingertips. I went on so many dates, and I had so much fun.  I barely slept, and I felt like I didn’t need to sleep.  My life revolved around social activities, and I was constantly surrounded by people.  

As an extrovert, I couldn’t have been in a better place.  My freshman year was the funnest year of my life.  

I couldn’t wait to come back to BYU for my sophomore year.  I couldn’t wait for all of the friends I was going to meet, the memories I would make with my roommates, the boys I would date, and just how fun life would be.  

The first week back to school, I met my current husband.  Elaine S. Dalton (a leader of the young women in our church at that time) had spoken and we were waiting in line to meet her. 

Dan was kind and good and patient and sweet.  He was easy to talk to.  He reminded me a lot of my dad.  He looked at me with kind eyes and made me feel good about myself.  He made me feel like he wanted nothing more than to be with me. 

I loved it, and I let people into my life very easily.  Though I was hesitant to stop “first dates”, we started dating.  

He was so good to me.  But the closer we got, the more afraid I got. He told me after 2 months that he wanted to marry me. I was terrified.  

One night I went to the temple and I received the prompting to continue to be with Dan. I didn’t know what that meant, but I decided not to break up with him. 

He came home with me for Christmas and met my family. I was paranoid and told him to stop trying to weasel his way into my family.  

Winter semester I left to London for a study abroad. I was barely 20. I made a rule with Dan that I wanted to enjoy my study abroad experience so I was only going to skype with him one time a week — Sunday mornings before church.  He would wake up at 3 AM Utah time and put his mattress against the kitchen door so he wouldn’t wake up his roommates, and he would talk with me until I said time was up. I think I must have acted like a jail warden or something. 

I was so completely anxious in London.  None of my friends were even dating someone, yet I was the one who was probably going to be wedding dress shopping when I got home. I felt sick to my stomach and anxious a lot.  I felt like a teenager.  

I didn’t feel like I was getting specific answers about dating Dan, and my study abroad came to a close. 

I got back to Utah and picked right back up with Dan. Everyone saw us as such a happy couple, but I was so stressed all of the time.  I hated feeling like I didn’t fit in the group with my friends.  They all wanted to meet boys and I was the only one with a boyfriend. 

Dan proposed in May. I was caught off guard, but happy.  I loved him so much. He made me feel safe and loved.     

A month before our wedding, I freaked out. I had been shaky throughout our whole dating process, but I wanted to back out at this point. I felt like I hadn’t received any real enough answers from Heavenly Father to confirm such a big decision. 

We were camping with my family in Grand Tetons and I had a meltdown. Dan and I were alone in the woods, and I crumpled on the ground and bawled. I couldn’t do it. I was absolutely terrified.  

Minutes later, we ran into Elaine S Dalton. She was camping with her family at the same time. The moment I saw her, I received my answer that Heavenly Father knew I needed.  She told us she remembered us (though I still wonder if she was lying), and I felt so much peace.  

So, at age 20, I got married. I had planned on doing so many things before that.  Seeing so much, finding myself, traveling, dating a ton, etc. 

I cried on my honeymoon because my bridesmaids were all at Disneyworld without me. 

I cried my first week back at church because everyone sat in pairs instead of groups and I hated it. 

I cried my first week in our new apartment because I felt like I had made the last big decision of my life, and I was only 20.  

I cried for the first months we were married because I just felt so lonely all of the time.  I missed single life.  

Dan and I had a hard couple of years. I wanted to spend all of my time at single’s dance parties. I wanted to hang out with my single friends and play soccer with my guy friends.  I wanted to be out late and meet other people.  

I spent a lot of time alone in our apartment while Dan was busy studying on campus.  

I felt like my needs couldn’t be met because I was just so lonely. 

Dan did everything he could to meet my needs.  He went to dance parties with me, though it was the last place he wanted to be.  He helped host social events all of the time and scrimped and saved with me so we could travel the world together.  

It was hard, but we started to build a life together.  We started to make the types of memories together that I had hoped to have as a single person. We went to South America and Southeast Asia.  He helped me get the best teaching jobs and supported me in every phase of my life.  

He encouraged girl trips and gave me so much freedom and space.  

And he didn’t push me to have kids, though I knew he was excited to be a dad. 

I was more scared of being a mom than I had been to be a wife. 

Finally, after five years, we felt ready.  I’ll never forget the prayer we said in our kitchen in our nasty old apartment in Provo, when we felt like it was time to start having a family.  

I loved being pregnant.  We moved to Pittsburgh, where Dan did grad school at Carnegie Mellon, and I lived 2 hours from my family in Ohio.  

And then Beckham was born. 

And I broke. I hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to live and I ended up feeling suicidal.  I just wanted to leave this life. 

Dan watched me waste away into nothing and did everything he could do to help.  He would fly home from work on his bike at breakneck speed to make sure I was okay.  He tried to get me to the gym, he encouraged time with friends, he set me up with all of the therapists he could and talked to everyone.  He held me and tried to be there for me in any way that he could.  He was the mom and the dad to Beckham. He played every role in our family and juggled all of the balls.  

One night I laid on the kitchen floor, too dead to even cry. I had a knife in my hand and I slid it along my wrist.  I felt like I would do anything to escape from this life. Beckham was playing on the floor next to Dan in the living room. I thought about how much pain I brought them and how I brought my family down.  Beckham preferred Dan anyway, and I just made life too hard for Dan.  

There was no escape. 

Dan ended up applying for a job for me. He said I had to get out of the house.  He made my resume for me, looked for jobs that I would be interested in, and actually applied for me. 

I went back to work when Beckham was 18 months old.  It was the first time I felt myself in almost 2 years. I remember bouncing down the stairs after work and recognizing, “Jessica, is that you?” It felt so good.  

I often reflect back to the young girl that got married at age 20.  I didn’t want to be tied down.  I wanted to explore and have adventures.  I wanted to meet people and travel.  I had a plan for my life, but I trusted in Heavenly Father, that He knew something I couldn’t see.  

I believe Heavenly Father knew about all of the struggles that I would face in my early years with marriage and motherhood.  I believe he knows everything else I will go through.  

I believe that I could be happy with a lot of different people.  My personality gets along with a lot of different personalities.  

But I wonder if anyone could love me the way Dan does and stick with me the way he has.  I wonder if anyone could support my dreams and hand-in-hand pursue my goals with me the way he loves to.  

I have only touched a fraction of the things we have faced in our marriage.  It has been hard, and there are many personal and private things we have both faced personally and as a couple.  

My personality tempts me to chase fun, excitement, and pleasure.  Dan wants nothing more than to protect our family and be together. 

I may have gotten married young, but Dan has been more than supportive of every goal and dream I have had. 

I hate to say, “Heavenly Father knew what I needed.” Because what about the people that feel good about marrying someone who is abusive?  That doesn’t seem fair.    

I don’t know how it works, but I do recognize that I felt good about proceeding in faith with something that was scary for me, and I have been blessed.  I have felt Heavenly Father’s hand in our marriage when things have been hard.  I have been reminded of the moments that I clung to when I felt peace and clarity. 

And every year seems to bring a new challenge.  We have only been married for 8 years now, but I am starting to learn that trials can morph into creative forms.  I know there are some hard years ahead for us, and we will go through some things that we cannot even imagine right now. 

But I find I am happy when I trust in and follow Heavenly Father. And I am grateful that I have made covenants with someone who wants to do the same.