Being a Traditional Wife Married to a Feminist Man: Marriage and Feminism by Hayley
Some of us plan on being a traditional wife more than we realize. Others have a husband who hope their woman will enjoy being a traditional wife.
What happens when a traditional woman and a feminist man come together? Can marriage and feminism work together?
Part I: Before I Knew I Married a Feminist Man
I’m only two months in and already failing at being a wife. The first year is supposed to be the ‘Honeymoon Year,’ so maybe this marriage is wrong. You’re supposed to be happy to do the dishes, plan the meals, and manage the household. If he has to lift a finger, I’m a terrible wife…
Looking back at that young newlywed bride, I feel so much sympathy for her. I placed my value as a wife – and as a person – heavily on my ability to happily and efficiently check chores off the list, prepare the food, clean the house, do the laundry, vacuum the floors, plan the activities, buy the groceries, blah, blah, it doesn’t matter, BLAH.
The list was literally miles long and I criticized myself for my inability to do it all happily, correctly, efficiently, and perfectly.
I wasn’t always like that. The best way I can explain it is that when I got married, a “Wife Switch” inside me flipped.
Looking back now, I see how ridiculous it all is. Then I remind myself to not pass judgment and criticism.
Instead, I extend patience to myself and to that young, newlywed bride because she didn’t know any different.
Raised in a traditional LDS household, I was taught that my life’s path was to get a husband, get a degree (as an income backup in case my husband ever became incapacitated), then be a stay-at-home mom.
These rigid traditional gender roles caused me to focus on one thing: become a wife and mom at the exclusion of any personal endeavors.
Because being a wife and mom was all I felt I had to do or live for in this life, I started my marriage at a break-neck pace to be the very best I could.
It all would have crashed and burned. Well, it all kind of did.
But luckily, I found out I married a feminist.
Read more of Hayley’s challenges next week in Part II: The Wife Switch. Read on below to learn her love story of meeting and falling in love with her husband.
Our Story
David and I met when I was 17 and he was 18. It was the first day of our first semester of college, and he texted me within an hour of getting my number.
He was hot, and I was thrilled.
His eyes lit up when he smiled, his hair was thick, he had the shoulders of a god, and he looked damn good in skinny jeans. David had the kind of confidence that filled a room and made everyone feel comfortable and accepted.
He had ambition and knew a lot about a wide range of topics. David wasn’t one to pass judgment, never took himself too seriously, and would often crack jokes and make things fun.
So yeah, of course I fell head over heels for the guy.
Our friendship and dating is a long and complicated story which I will share with anyone in great detail if they buy me a sushi roll.
It even includes a controversial “dating another person” situation akin to the Ross and Rachel “on a break” debacle. But in the interest of time, the basic version is that we met freshman year of college and dated for 6 months until he left on a 2-year mission for the LDS church.
Before he returned, I left on my own 18-month mission for the LDS church and went on a Study Abroad when I got back. It was after that Study Abroad – having not seen each other for almost 4 years – that we reconnected.
We dated for two months then were engaged for two months before getting married in Colorado. (and yes, that’s the short version)
Next week, find out about how the “wife switch” flips on Hayley and problems ensue in her marriage.
As Hayley buries herself in “being a traditional wife,” she struggles and feels overwhelmed, losing her sense of who she really is. When she says she married a feminist man, what does she mean? Can marriage and feminism go hand-in-hand?
Find out next week here on wivestribe.com.
But luckily, I found out I married a feminist.