Does Silent Treatment Work in a Marriage? When a Marriage Lacks Communication

by Ellen

Do you ever feel like your marriage lacks communication? Many of our marriage stories deal with communication, and we encourage you to explore more of them.

In this story, our author discusses her communication struggles and answers the question: Does silent treatment work in a marriage?

Woman in White Sleeveless Dress and Man on Blue Blazer — Communication is one of the most challenging aspects in most marriages. Too bad mind reading isn’t possible.

Marriage Stories: Meeting and Marrying my Husband

My husband and I knew each other for about 8 years before we even dated and then… we got married! We both grew up in North Dakota about an hour away from each other (yes, people do live there).

We met at some church activity when we were 15 or 16; we have different memories of meeting each other. We became good friends, hung out with our group of friends a lot, and went on friend dates often.

We liked each other off and on throughout high school, but never chose to date. Fast forward four years after missions for the LDS Church, dating other people, and college, we finally ended up living close to each other at BYU.

We rekindled our friendship, worked through some drama, and finally started dating in May 2016. One year later we got married on May 12, 2017! Truly one of the happiest days of my life.

Who doesn’t love sweet marriage stories? Of course, no one sees the quiet moments between you and your spouse, and the problems you face when no one else is around.

Man and Woman Sitting at Table — Most couples have more difficulty communicating once married than while dating.

When Marriage Lacks Communication

One of the biggest hurdles in our relationship has been working on our communication and adjusting our expectations of each other, especially the first year and a half we were married.

When we were dating and engaged, talking through differences of opinion, resolving conflict, and striving to understand each other seemed easy. Maybe it was so easy because life while dating is so easy and carefree?

Going from dating to marriage brought a lot of real-life complications into the relationship that aren’t really present while dating without cohabitating.

As we started to combine our lives together, a multitude of problems arose concerning things like money, how we spend our time, sex, who does which chores, extended family, different opinions and ideas, etc.

*Communication in Marriage Workbook* gives you the tools you need to build more effective communication patterns with your partner to navigate common conflicts in a positive and supportive way.

Does Silent Treatment Work in a Marriage?

A problem would show up and quite frankly, we sucked at discussing it. When we tried to talk about things, Nate expected a quick exchange of thoughts.

I am a verbal processer and wanted to share all my thoughts and feelings on the subject for hours which was difficult for Nate (who processes things in his head, not verbally). I would end up crying because of hurt feelings and then I’d give Nate the silent treatment.

I expected Nate to respond, Nate would be silent (often thinking about and processing what I said), and then we would stare at each other for what felt like eternities, just waiting for someone to say something.

Does silent treatment work in a marriage? Not at all. We had to come to terms with what one another needed.

Couple of hands — You’re not wrong or right. You’re different.

Accepting Differences in Communication Styles in Marriage

One day, I realized: Okay, it’s not about who’s right or wrong. Our marriage lacks communication.

Our communication styles and how we resolved conflict were different. I processed out loud and wanted to talk through every minute detail of a problem.

I needed time to process and talk through the issue. Nate processed in his head and didn’t need to talk about the problem to death. Nate would get over something quickly and move on, but I would give the silent treatment and escape because I had hurt feelings.

A great example of having different expectations and not communicating them was with cleaning our house. I wanted the house to be clean all the time.

I expected Nate to want to clean the house all the time. Nate did not want to clean the house all the time.

He wasn’t messy, but he was not as motivated as I was to clean everything all the time. The real issue was that I had expectations about what should be cleaned and when but failed to communicate those expectations to Nate.

Subconsciously, I hoped he was a mind reader. Turns out he is not.

Eventually it became clear that when I asked Nate to clean something, I expected him to get up and do it that second without saying that. In Nate’s mind, he would clean it up later that day or the next day and thought it wouldn’t bug me.

Communication in Marriage: How to Communicate with Your Spouse Without Fighting, 2nd Edition by [Marcus Kusi, Ashley Kusi] — How to Communicate with Your Spouse Without Fighting – EVEN If You Have a Difficult Spouse

He didn’t think things were that dirty. To work through this conflict, we created a compromise.

If I thought things should be cleaned before Nate did, I would ask him to clean something and ask when he would do it. He would respond with a reasonable time frame (which didn’t have to be right away).

This worked for me because I knew it would be taken care of in a timely manner and wouldn’t have to wonder if it would be left undone in a few days. This also worked for Nate because it was flexible, which matches his personality.

Breaking Patterns when a Marriage Lacks Communication

These patterns continued for a long time and weren’t healthy for our relationship. Four things eventually helped us to improve our communication and expectations of each other…

Being clear and transparent about any reasonable expectations (like that dishes get done within a certain time frame)
Not holding each other to our own personal expectations (I might prefer that Nate wants to clean everything as much as I want to, but I don’t hold him to my preferences – he is his own person with his own preferences, so we meet in the middle)
Trying to be more understanding and humble, instead of prideful when we had to communicate and resolve conflict. Instead of waiting for the ‘wrong’ person to apologize, don’t think about who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and focus on how we can be successful together
Recognizing we think differently. Not only do we process and resolve problems differently, we also just think in different ways. We had to give each other the space to do that, but also try to meet more in the middle

Close-up Photo of Couple with Their Eyes Closed Facing Each Other In Front of Dark Background — “Not only do we process and resolve problems differently, but we also just think in different ways.”

Marriage Stories: Overcoming Pride and Emotion and Making Compromises

I had to stop discussing the issue forever and focus more on how to solve the problem. I also had to gain some emotional toughness and not let every disagreement reduce me to a puddle.

Nate had to be more patient with me and speak his thoughts and feelings out loud more, so I could understand where he was coming from.

We are far from perfect at our communication, but we have greatly improved. It’s taken a lot of trial and error, but we communicate a lot more effectively now.

I rarely cry when we disagree and Nate is really good at listening to my ramblings. We love each other, and in the end, we have the same goal of being happy and united in our marriage and our choices.

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For more marriage stories about when marriage lacks communication, see our communication category.

What do you think? Does silent treatment work in a marriage? Leave your comments and thoughts below.

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Mend The Marriage Review: Let's Explore the Guide and its Contents! — Welcome! I’m Brad Browning, a marriage & relationship coach with a passion for helping couples fix their broken relationships. If you’re looking for guidance or advice on how to win back your ex, get through a difficult breakup, or rescue a dying marriage, then you’re in the right place.