Humility in Marriage: Anxiety Affecting Marriage, Relationship OCD Success Stories by Morgan

Anxiety affecting marriage is becoming more common in today’s day and age. Morgan and many of our other writers have faced this problem head-on, and it manifests itself in different ways in marriage.

Another mental health problem that can rear itself in marriage. Though less common, OCD can stress marriages to the point of divorce. If you need hope and you’re looking for relationship OCD success stories, Morgan has a fabulous one.

Introduction: Marrying an Amazing yet Imperfect Person

I have a great marriage and an amazing husband! He cooks me breakfast, carries me to bed, always asks what he can do for me, strives to improve whenever I ask, and has the sweetest heart.

 My husband is amazing, but that doesn’t mean that everyday is a fairytale or that we never have breakdowns. 

We love each other so much (more than we could have imagined), but there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. I know what all you single ladies (or honeymoon-phasers) are thinking… “Sure, your marriage is hard, but mine won’t be.”

I know that because that’s what I thought. When I heard of other people’s marital problems or saw my parents fight, I would think “I’ll never act like that” or “my husband would never act like that.” 

The truth is, there is something different in store for everyone. There will be great times and really difficult times, and that’s just a product of merging two completely different people into one life, learning to be more selfless, and getting to know your spouse better than ever.

I definitely wish people were more open about the struggles of marriage and more realistic on social media.

I hope that by sharing my story more people will be inspired to open up about the realities of marriage, and that it might help someone who is struggling with something similar! 

Part I: Our Story: Assimilating our Values

Let me give you some background on our relationship.

We met during spring semester at BYU and dated for a few weeks. When summer break came, he went home and I took on jobs in both Utah and California.

We decided to leave things open over the summer and just see what happened while we were apart. At that time, he wasn’t very active in the church, hadn’t served a mission, and it was hard to tell where his testimony was at.

I challenged him to read the Book of Mormon over the summer (I was so scared to ask him that I wrote it in a note, but he was awesome about it!) 

Over the summer, we texted and snapchatted all the time. Then we started talking on the phone almost every night.

He would wake up super early and go to work just so he could be off in time to talk to me while I was in Europe (six hours ahead). He was going to church on his own and reading the Book of Mormon diligently.

I was super impressed with his progress. 

When I got back from Europe, he drove over seven hours to come visit me even though we only had a few weeks left until fall semester started. We had a great weekend together and we became “official.”

Part II: First Signs of Anxiety in Relationship

Around September, the topic of marriage came up. We both really liked each other and decided to start thinking and praying about it.

I got my answer quickly and felt strongly that I could marry him. He didn’t feel the same confirmation so quickly… However, (as I now know) he can be quite impulsive, and suggested we go ring shopping. 

That night after we went ring shopping, he was overwhelmed with anxiety. We thought that he was just nervous, maybe about how much a ring can cost and what a big purchase it is.

We thought it would go away as we continued to look for cheaper rings. The feeling stayed for him, and he felt unsure about marrying me since he hadn’t served a mission. He felt like God might be angry with him for not going on a mission. 

To me, the thought of losing him for two years terrified me. I encouraged him to do whatever he thought was right, but I know he could see the stress I was going through.

My anxiety actually got so bad that I could barely eat. Going out places gave me panic attacks and I finally realized my anxiety was out of control.

I had had similar problems in the past, but ignored them thinking I was just nervous or emotional. I finally went to a therapist and started on medication. 

In the meantime, my now-husband talked with his Bishop. Turns out, his Bishop hadn’t served a mission either and had gotten married instead (the Lord really knows what we need!)

Soon, he was comforted and felt like he could marry me without serving a mission. 

That December, we got engaged! At that point, I really leaned on him as my “rock” with all my anxiety.

He was always there for me and so comforting. I absolutely love that about him. His anxiety (we didn’t know what it was at the time) had seemed to have gone away. 

Part III: Circumstantial Depression in Marriage

The first part of our marriage was exciting, but much tougher than I had imagined.

The difficulty really came from the situation we were in. He was working all day every day and I didn’t have a job.

We lived in my grandparent’s basement in his hometown where I didn’t know anyone. Small world, I know.

I felt extremely lonely and unfulfilled. I kept waiting for a job that would be right “just for the summer” since we were headed back to Provo that fall.

No such job existed, and I started sleeping until noon everyday. When he would get home, I was like a pent up puppy.

I was so excited to see him and be intimate (I thought every newly married guy would want that all the time!) But he was exhausted from working all day, and didn’t have much energy left for me.

I feel like plenty of people have been through times like this in their life (married or not) where you just start to feel really depressed due to circumstances. It was difficult to adjust to married life in these circumstances.

Part IV: Anxiety Affecting Marriage

When we moved back to Provo, things became much better. We were both busy. I even went off my anxiety medication successfully. Then something strange began to happen.

As time went on, my husband got increasingly anxious over odd things (what? I thought anxiety was my thing!)

Thoughts would come into his mind. For examples, seeing the name of his ex-girlfriend places or feeling like he hadn’t told the entire truth.

He couldn’t get rid of the guilt he felt for those thoughts. Every time it would happen, we would talk it out and he’d usually feel better, but I would feel worse. 

I usually bottled those feelings up and just tried to move on. Now, when we look back, we realize we were avoiding the problem. I think it’s hard to realize you need help until things are out of control.

I hope, if nothing else, you can take away from my story that it’s never too soon to get help! Therapists, Bishops, family and friends are all there for this reason, and the sooner you can diagnose a problem, the better! 

Fast forward and the anxiety and guilt he felt was practically consuming him.

Almost everyday it was something different. Something he had seen on TV, one of our past arguments, or a cute girl he had seen at the gym.

Every time it happened, I would talk to him and try to explain how he was being irrational by feeling bad about these things and confessing them to me.

He would tell me how he felt disloyal to me when he’d see other attractive women and I would explain that it was fine. It wasn’t like he could just never see a cute girl again now that we were married. 

While I was being caring and logical on the outside, something different was occurring inside. My separation anxiety and insecurities grew.

I didn’t really understand why at the time, but I didn’t like myself anymore and it became really hard to believe he loved me.

We had let this cycle go on for so long, and it was having effects on our marriage that we didn’t realize. It felt like he would confess something to me, we would fight, get over it and we were good for a while. Then it would happen again.  

Part V: Relationship OCD Success Stories

One of the times he confessed to me was particularly hard. I was furious.

I couldn’t get what he had told me out of my mind. We had talked about this SO many times, why couldn’t he let these things go?

I had begged him over the past two years to let these things go, because he was hurting me with his confessions, but he couldn’t do it.

I thought he didn’t love me. I thought that if he really loved me, he should have been able to just let those thoughts go.

We finally reached out to his dad for help. He suggested marriage counseling.

We had avoided marriage therapy for so long because we felt like this was something we could handle. But I hadn’t realized what these confessions were doing to our relationship.

It was increasing my insecurity, making me doubt his love for me, and consuming his thoughts. I finally realized that hearing how he thought some girl was cute all the time and other thoughts of his had affected my self-confidence.

I compared myself to every other woman. I felt like I couldn’t trust him. My husband was living a life of guilt and anxiety and he couldn’t find a way out. 

When we finally saw a therapist, she confirmed that my husband had OCD and that his OCD and my anxiety were feeding off each other. 

Conclusion: Marriage Counseling is for Everyone

We are still in the early stages of fixing ourselves and our marriage, but we are so glad we finally sought out help. We have seen a real improvement since going to therapy.

My husband has been able to get his OCD under control and stop confessing thoughts to me. I have finally begun to understand how he has a real sickness/issue (just like my anxiety), rather than thinking he just didn’t love me. 

I have been working on my anxiety as well and have felt better (although it’s not completely gone). Our therapist helped us to view the situation from each other’s point of view and understand how to better help each other.

We definitely wish we had taken care of these issues earlier, but we are glad that it’s happening now. 

I think before I always thought marriage counseling was for people who were on the brink of divorce or were in “worse situations,” but I can see now that it is really just a way to improve any marriage. 

I think one of the most important things I’ve learned is to be more humble. Once you humble yourself and admit there is a problem, you can start on the path to fixing it and it is so worth it!  

Thank you, Morgan, for sharing your relationship OCD success stories and your experience with anxiety affecting marriage. She learned that humility, asking for help, and working together are key to overcoming these mental health challenges.