When the Honeymoon Phase is Over (AKA Entering the “Crumb Coat” Stage) by Brette

Is it normal to lose the spark in your marriage? Brette shares the universal truth of functionality, trust and friendship replacing some of the initial romance in marriage.

Brette was unnerved when she first thought: “The honeymoon phase is over.” She missed the hearing about how perfect she and her husband were together, but with time and experience, she grew to love the “crumb coat” stage of marriage.

Transitioning from the “Stacking Stage” to the “Crumb Coat Stage” in Marriage

I’m married. Does that give me absolute authority on the subject? Not at all.

I definitely feel the need to preface with that.

Marriage relationships are so complex and intricate. Trying to offer my shred of advice to maybe help another struggling wife has been more of a daunting task than I thought it would be.

But in moments like this, I find it best to turn to the things that you know. And as a professional cake decorator, I know cake. So here’s goes nothing:

When you’re decorating a cake, you can break the process into three basic stages: stacking, the crumb coat, and the final coat. 

The “Stacking Stage”

The stacking stage usually starts with high hopes. You’ve baked the cake, gathered all the supplies. Maybe you’ve even watched a snazzy tutorial or two.

Everything is prepped and ready to go! You begin assembling the cake, layers and frosting all stacked up nicely.

And hey! It’s looking pretty good so far!

The “Crumb Coat” Stage

But then comes the crumb coat stage. The honeymoon phase is over. And that’s when things go … awry.

As you start to apply frosting to your nice little cake stack, the future of your cake stops looking so promising as bits crumble off here and there.

The frosting isn’t sticking quite right, and there’s now a precarious leftward lean to your cake.

You followed the instructions as best you could, yet here in front of you is a gloppy gooey mess that you’re pretty sure is beyond repair. You’re ready to chuck your spatula across the room. 

I think we often have similar feelings in marriage. I (and I daresay most of you!) am in the trenches of the “Crumb Coat” stage of marriage.

When Marriage Feels Different than Dating

I reminisce on the rose-colored earlier years of my relationship with my husband, and I often wonder what happened to the romance and butterflies that used to be so prevalent? Why our marriage doesn’t always look as smooth and crisp and clean as I think it should.

Caring for my little boy takes up a lot of my attention, my work keeps my brain buzzing distractedly in bed at night, and my resolve to let the little things go is not as strong as it once was. Financial burdens, family issues, and general uncertainty about the future all add to the crumbliness of our life together and make things less than picture perfect.

So many days I have too much to deal with to feel like I can stop and enjoy a simple moment with my husband. 

With all the different things going on in both of our lives, sometimes I literally feel like my we are on totally different planets sometimes. I find myself feeling as if I haven’t seen or spoken to him in days, even though we just spent the whole evening together in the same room.

Is it Normal to Lose the Spark in your Marriage?

Our conversations are practical: “What should be on our grocery list for tomorrow?” Our relationship is functional: “I’ll get up with the baby tonight if you take care of nap time tomorrow.” And that question comes again: 

Where’d all the romance go?

But here’s the thing that cake decorating has taught me: the crumb coat stage is SUPPOSED to look like a mess! It’s not supposed to look picture perfect at all!

And it just happens to be an essential step to achieving a beautiful, smoothly frosted cake if you can just push past it.  

I think similar realizations can also help us in dealing with the crumblies in our marriages.

ALL marriages go through a “crumb coat” stage – times when the relationship and marriage situation is less than ideal – and it’s okay.

Let me repeat that: It’s okay.

Accepting an Imperfect Marriage

It might be a stage that lasts a long time, or comes and goes here and there. But I believe that it’s a crucialstep in our progress as a couple, and as an individual person.

We learn, we grow, we evolve and become better together through the crumbles of life. I’ve learned to accept that challenges in life and in marriage can be opportunities to grow. I’m still learning to actually find consistent enjoyment being in the trenches with my husband, figuring things out, and working together towards good things ahead.

But letting myself accept the fact that our marriage relationship isn’t supposed to be picture perfect has lifted a burden.

Stop Comparing Your Marriage

Try your best to remove the external expectations for your marriage.

Remember that cake tutorial you were hypothetically following? Well, that 60 second video you watched actually represents 4 hours of work.

It’s been clipped, edited and polished- you’re only getting a snapshot of what really happened. Outward comparisons to other couples never make good assessment tools for your own marriage. 

Letting Go of Outside Validation of Your Relationship

And this might sound stupid, but now that me and my husband have been married for a good strong few years, friends and family no longer dote on us as “such a cute couple!” and “you guys are just so great together!”, and the absence of those verbal affirmations from outside sources has actually taken a hit on me.

I didn’t realize how much I relied on them to tell me things were okay! So I’m learning to tell myself those things about our marriage, instead of depending on those third party validations.

I’m learning how to point out the good, the cute, and the best things about us to myself.

In a funny way, I’m also learning not to compare our relationship now to what it was in the past, mourning for the lack of overwhelming butterflies I used to feel in our early days of marriage.

I’ve realized that even if we’re not as googly-eyed in our relationship as we used to be, we’re also more mature together, achieving bigger things together.

Growing and Bettering Yourself in Marriage

Do I really want to be stuck in the juvenile early stage of the relationship we had at the beginning of marriage, even if it was quote on quote “romantic”?

I’m trying now to just enjoy and celebrate the stage of life that we’re in, even if it is messy and imperfect.

Instead of missing the fact that we can’t go out on romantic adventure dates all the time, I’m trying to find new date traditions and special routines that can bring us closer in this new stage of life that we’re in.

How do you push through the crumb coat stage and keep the romance alive? The sticky answer is there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Because every marriage relationship faces different problems and has different resources at their disposal. The strategy for dealing with life looks different for every couple.

But first just accepting that a bumpy road in marriage is okay – and even good – is in a strange way comforting, and a good place to start. 

When changing roles, financial burdens, or unfair fighting tells you the honeymoon phase is over, take a deep breath. If you’re asking “is it normal to lose the spark in your marriage?” you need to know that the answer is YES.

Brette says it beautifully: I’ve realized that even if we’re not as googly-eyed in our relationship as we used to be, we’re also more mature together, achieving bigger things together. In marriage, you sometimes give up the butterflies for something better – for lasting joy and happiness instead of temporary excitement and romance.