Love and Marriage Advice from Someone who Married Twice! By Katie
If you want sound love and marriage advice, ask someone who has enjoyed two successful and happy marriages!
I’m honored to be asked to write a little about an institution of which I’m quite fond — marriage. I love it so much, I’ve done it twice.
The first time was for 28 years before the love of my life died of cancer, I am now married to the love of the rest of my life. We’ve been married a little over two years. I won the lottery twice with two completely different men.
I’m here to tell you that Stephenie Meyer was right, you can be in love with two men at the same time.
In trying to think of what I could say that would be beneficial to those in the thick of it with your relationships, I hope I have come up with a few things that I believe will be helpful. You’ve probably heard them before, but these are the principles that have stood out in my relationships.
I’m speaking in traditional man/woman marital pronouns because that’s my experience. Adapt as needed. The principles are the same.
1. The grass is not greener anywhere else. No matter who you choose, you will struggle with something. The stuff that bugged me about #1, #2 doesn’t do and it’s a gift. However, #2 does stuff that #1 would never consider. Don’t assume you made the wrong choice, just because your husband does that one thing that you hate. He probably also does 45 things you love. What you focus on is a choice.
2. Don’t be afraid of confrontation, but don’t be a tool. You can be honest without being cruel. If you can’t figure out what you need to say and can’t be kind, take a minute and think. Write out your complaint if necessary. Being pissed about something and needing to talk about it without coming off like a jerk takes practice. It helps if you pray first. It also helps if you say what you want to say in the mirror. I’m telling you, it works. Watching yourself say what you really want to say changes the whole dynamic of your problem. If your partner can’t communicate without cruelty, bow out until you can have an adult conversation.
3. Say what you mean. Passive aggressive communication just doesn’t compute with most dudes. It’s a waste of time. Just be clear.
4. Figure out your love language and your partner’s. For waaaayyyy too long I felt disconnected to #1 because I was waiting for him to love me the way I love and I completely missed that he was loving me the way he loves. Ok, I do that with #2 as well. It’s a journey.
5. Just face it. You both acted differently when you were courting than you do now that you’ve settled in. Don’t be mad about it. No one was intentionally deceiving. Everyone puts on their best face and pretends a little to try and get paired up. It’s part of the process.
6. Carve out some time for just the two of you without kids/parents/friends once a week. It doesn’t matter if it’s out to a fancy pants restaurant or going to Wal-Mart. Just be without anyone else for a couple hours once a week. Even if you just talk about the weather and don’t have deep meaningful conversation, it’s still good for your marital health. For real, non-negotiable.
7. Don’t use sex or as a weapon or a negotiating tool. Seriously, you punish yourself doing that. Don’t act like you’re giving in or doing him a favor by having sex. Stop it. It’s gross. If you really aren’t interested, tell him why. Ask if he’s comfortable just kissing or hugging. Let him know you want a rain check in the next night or two (or morning — whenever works). Be thinking about it during the day. Shower. Shave. Enjoy.
8. Your spouse is not your parent or your kid. Stop waiting for him to tell you what to do or stop telling him what to do. You are PARTNERS. Behave accordingly.
9. How you roll in the world is neither superior or inferior to how he rolls in the world. Both your skills, talents and how you see things are all needed in the world. Both your ideas and opinions are of value and have merit. Stop trying to change yourself to fit his ideal or vice versa. It’s unnecessary and you’re not doing either of you any favors.
10. How much you feel loved will be directly connected to how much you show love. You’ll both be better at it than the other at different times. Don’t keep score. It’s a wash.
“Your spouse is not your parent or your kid. Stop waiting for him to tell you what to do or stop telling him what to do. You are PARTNERS. Behave accordingly.” Try to apply this wise marriage advice today and see how it affects your marriage. See related videos here (micromanagement) and here (no-nagging).
11. You probably don’t have all the things in common you wish you had. There’s nothing more common in a marriage. Truly. Make the most of and appreciate what you do share and then have girlfriends. Neither of you should be the total answer to each others emotional needs. (Which is super hard when you leave all your people and support system and join him and his people and support system and all you have is him until you DO find girlfriends and pick your hobbies back up – just FYI in case you remarry)
12. Get life insurance. NOW. TODAY. Half of the widows in my widow group are under 30.
13. Just like parenthood, do the best you can. If you can honestly say that you try, as often as you can, to support and uplift your spouse, it’s enough. Notice and acknowledge when your partner does the same for you and let it be enough. Expectations of perfection is 1- a fantasy and 2-a fairly certain path to your marriage’s unfortunate demise.
Marriage is work, but it’s amazing! Don’t give up. Sticking it out is so worth it.
It feels so good knowing you worked shiz out and are stronger and smarter for it. I’m so grateful that the men in my life have made the choice to stick it out with me and that marriage is as important to them as it is to me. It helps for sure.
All the best! –Katie
Thank you for sharing this witty and amazing love and marriage advice with us, Katie! So much of this resonated with me, and was the kind of marriage advice I wish I would’ve had before I got married.
When you look at your marriage, do you ever think “That’s marriage advice I wish I would’ve had a long time ago”? Share the lessons you’ve learned so you can help other women gain that knowledge sooner rather than later. Thank you for reading and sharing.
We are all about education here at Wives’ Tribe. You never know when you’re going to hear that one piece of advice that will change your perspective and your marriage.
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“Once I realized that “traditional” methods of marriage therapy don’t work, I determined to find and create strategies, techniques and methods that do work.
It led me to abandon much of the “old school” ideas about how to help troubled couples…and so should you!”
