What is Partnership in Marriage? Equal Partnerships in Marriage Are Not Always 50/50!
by Alex
What is partnership in marriage, and what should an equal partnership look like? Alex challenges the idea that tasks should be divided equally between spouses.
In our marriages, we all ask the question: “What are normal marriage problems?” Alex points out that task delegation, mental health and introducing babies are all perfectly normal marriage issues. Stories about real marriage problems can change your own marriage for the better!
Creating Our Own Equal Partnership
My husband and I have been happily married for almost 6 years. One of the reasons we have been able to stay together through thick and thin is because of our open communication with each other and our commitment to an equal-partnership marriage.
What is partnership in marriage?
In spite of the gendered (often blatantly sexist) messaging that came from church, school, and community in our lives growing up, we were both committed to a truly equal partnership marriage when we got married in 2014.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that an equal partnership marriage looks different in each couple.
I always assumed that an equal partnership marriage required couples to split everything 50/50, but that isn’t true for most marriages. The division of responsibilities in my marriage changes almost daily and depends on a variety of factors.
When Mental Health Impacts a Partnership
One of the factors that affects the division of labor in our marriage is anxiety and depression. My husband has wrestled with both of these for most of his adult life and I have struggled with anxiety during pregnancy and postpartum.
Various coping mechanisms have been key for mental health in both of us, but when one of us has a down day that means that the other person needs to step up and take care of more than just 50%. Mental illness can be unpredictable, so communication has been so important. We have to let one another know when we need a 30/70 or even a 10/90 division in a day.
How Children Change Marriage Issues: Stories about Equal Partnership after Children
Another interesting hurdle in our equal partnership marriage came when I gave birth to our son in June 2019. My husband was in the throes of his demanding graduate school program. He didn’t have any school obligations during the first 6 weeks of our son’s life (it was like a surprise paternity leave!), but once I went back to work and my husband went back to school, things got a lot harder.
Luckily, we had discussed at length how we would handle things before our baby arrived and we continued to have ongoing conversations about what was working for us and what wasn’t. For example, when it came to night feedings, we decided that I would be the only one to wake up while my husband would sleep with earplugs.
On the surface, this labor division may have seemed unfair and sexist, but for us it was the most practical. I was going into the sixth year of my career as a high school English teacher and I could deal with the sleep deprivation and coast a bit if I needed to; my husband was in a very rigorous graduate school program and could get kicked out if his grades dropped too low. Plus, I was breastfeeding our son at night, so I had all the right “equipment” for feeding.
What are Normal Marriage Problems?
Creating an equal partnership is a very common hurdle in marriage.
It doesn’t matter how others are going to perceive the task division in your marriage. What’s important is that you and your partner are both happy with the way things are divided.
The specific percentages of labor division in a relationship are not important. What is important is how each person feels.
Are you fulfilled in what you are doing? Do you often feel overwhelmed or underappreciated? Do you feel that your concerns are validated by your spouse when you express them? Talk to your spouse about these things.
Being vulnerable about labor division in a marriage can be scary, but I promise you that it is worth it.
What are normal marriage problems? While some obstacles are more common than others, marriage problems come in all shapes and sizes.
Sometimes you will be surprised by your unique marriage issues. Stories like Alex’s reassure us that if we can communicate through these problems, and both spouses love and take care of one another, we can get back to marital bliss.
