What Are Normal Ups and Downs in a Relationship?
by Anonymous
What are normal ups and downs in a relationship? In this story, one dedicated husband shares his take on the ups and downs of marriage.
I’ve been with my wife for 9 years, and married 6. We have two absolutely wonderful 4 year old children. I’m about to turn 29, and she will be 28 in March.
In the beginning, it was as per usual with new feelings, and new emotions that neither of us had really felt before we had met each other. Sex life was amazing, and very often. This relationship was one for the ages, we bonded so well, and in-laws treated each like their own families.
Our first big fallout: In 2016, we experienced a miscarriage. After years of trying, and failed attempts, we had the struggling news that our first child would not make it. Neither of us seemed any help in this matter, and we just tried to move forward like nothing ever happened. Never even spoke amongst each other about it either, which failed the trust to consult into each other. We did have our petty little arguments that would lead me into an all out rage and almost uncontrollable.
I was never physically abusive, but mentally abusive, I WAS. I called her unnecessary names, and just treated her like she was beneath me. It lead to her really putting a guard up against me, it faulted her trust in me, and allowed her to see a monster that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve scared my kids when fighting with her, and even have them still remember my actions that I’ve done.
The moment I scared my children, was the moment I knew it was time to change! The moment I had either of my babies come to me a reiterate the actions I shown in front of them was the hardest, and most disappointing thing I could ever have done to myself or them.
My Worst Addiction
My worst addiction I’ve allowed- GAMING. When our kids were born, I would be gaming, or not helping where the wife needed me. I can’t go back, but I truly wish I could. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change, but work harder for a better tomorrow. I still game, but my focus is more into my wife and kids. I game when I can, and when she says that she has whatever is going on.
THEN THINGS I CHANGED- I started seeking counseling, not marriage counseling, but individual therapy. I struggled for 20+ years of secrets that many still don’t know about me, but once I opened up, and let them go I’ve come to agree with my past. I took out rage on my wife and many others because of me not letting go.
My wife has mentioned several times about how she can remember the things I’ve done, and how bad it hurt her, but those statements have suddenly stopped. I started taking medication for PTSD, depression, and anxiety.
The Moments that Changed our Marriage
She learned to love again, she learned to let go of hard feelings, and she learned to trust again. I learned what she found as necessities to meeting her love language. It’s not much, but it’s something that I think about daily.
I think daily of what new ways I could surprise her with something that I’ve done. I stay up late often to make sure the kids are ready for the next day of school, and I make sure that clothes are laid out for them. I make sure the house is taken care of daily, the dog is fed, gas tank is filled, and she has dinner before going to work in our local ER. I tell her often how beautiful she is, and even been spicing it up a little bit more.
My wife and kids are my everything and I’ll fight day in and day out for them.
The Real Reason I Decided to Change
9 years is a long time to give someone, it’s hard to start over. It took me a lot of time and thoughts. I bounced back and forth about being okay with having the divorce. I spoke to family, friends, and others and they all told me the same thing… You can’t change her feelings for you, just give up, and other comments were made.
I will say this, I know all others situation may be different, but you can change someone else’s feelings by YOUR actions, YOUR attention, and YOUR true passionate desire for love from her. I prayed endlessly, I cried, and I hurt, but I would go through it all again just to prove her wrong again, and feel this love feeling we both have.
I will continue to love, trust, and focus my life towards her and my children. If I can do it, most others can too, main thing is if it’s something you truly want and can’t go without, then don’t give up. Give her space when needed, and give her a shoulder to cry on when needed. God bless you all.
Remember, it’s normal to ask: “What are normal ups and downs in a relationship?” The answer is different for everyone! However, we hope that these stories can help you get a better perspective on the realities of marriage… you’re not alone.