Marriage After Baby
by Anonymous
An innocent, carefree relationship can become a strained marriage after baby comes. While a child enhances marriage in meaningful ways, it can also create distance between partners. In this story, our author compares her marriage before baby to her marriage after baby.
As someone who grew up not being allowed to have sleepovers, the idea of getting to spend an entire 24 hours with a friend was completely exhilarating. Add to that the prospect of an eternal marriage to my best friend… well, that was mind-blowingly spectacular. Suffice it to say, getting married was the absolute best decision I’d ever made.
The first three years of our marriage were like a movie montage — we spent most of our time laughing, hanging out with friends, doing spontaneous things, surprising each other with gifts, and having lots of fun. Nothing could stop us from being completely and utterly in love: not poor college life, not dental school, not pregnancy, nothing. Take that, honeymoon phase!
And then we had our baby.
Some women are born to be mothers. Pregnancy is nausea-free, labor is uneventful, and childbirth is magical. Some women resume all their normal activities within a few weeks or months of giving birth. They go back to work, exercise, and spend the late evening having alone time with their partner.
It’s almost comical how little I relate to those women. As much as I had looked forward to being a mother, I mourned my previous life. Things had been so perfect. It was difficult to remember why I’d decided to have a baby when I couldn’t walk, stand, or even sit without being in pain. My sore stitches, my bleeding nipples, my aching hips and back. I was being woken every hour by a screaming baby that, though I did love, I didn’t understand. Was he in pain? Did he need to go to the hospital? Why won’t he sleep? I felt completely debilitated, both mentally and physically.
My husband felt similarly. Not only was he making dinner each night, cleaning the house, and taking turns with the baby, but he was also a full time dental student taking 27 credits. We didn’t have the capacity or energy to nurture our relationship, and that was terrifying.
Fast forward 12 months. I’ve mostly recovered from childbirth, though I still hurt if I stand too long or go for a long walk. I’m still woken up every hour by a crying baby. My nipples are sore again because now he has teeth. He doesn’t take predictable naps or go to bed before 8:30. Husband is still taking a ridiculous number of credits, and I don’t even sleep in the same room with him anymore because I’m always falling asleep in our son’s bed. So in a lot of ways, I continue to miss my old life.
But then I walk upstairs and hear my husband reading a book to my son. Or he takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep. Or I watch the two of them play and laugh together while I make dinner. Even on the few occasions where we get to go to bed together, my husband and I often spend a few minutes sitting and watching the baby cam, adoring our cute sleeping kid. And it’s dawned on me that having a child has simply added another dimension to our relationship.
Yes, marriage before baby was very different than marriage after baby. Yes, we are often short with each other because we’re sleep deprived, and we’re constantly asking the other to repeat themselves (babies kill the eardrums). But we laugh even more now that we have a hilariously charming baby.
We invite friends over for dinner most weeks. We go on spontaneous walks around the neighborhood and enjoy the fall leaves. We surprise each other with a clean house or a pancake breakfast. We’ve learned that our relationship can simply adapt to, rather than suffer from, our circumstances. We’ll have fun together no matter what. So nothing will ever stop us from being completely and utterly in love.
It’s okay that marriage before baby is different than marriage after baby. It can still be full of surprises, laughter, date nights, and love. Make the effort to adapt to your new circumstances so that your relationship can thrive in new ways.
It’s also okay to mourn the loss of marriage before baby. Remember that these busy days and nights won’t last forever, and for now, enjoy the new depth of love that comes from having a child together.
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