Sink or Swim Part 2: Home of Anxiety & Depression by Anonymous

Let’s set the mood: The wedding was over, the honeymoon was bliss, and real life set in. The first few months of marriage was great. W (my husband) and I found an apartment in a great location in Provo – and for all the married couples looking in Provo, you know that is no small feat! W was going to UVU while I finished my degree at BYU.

As the fall semester ended and the Holidays approached, something changed. I felt myself becoming anxious for no perceived reason. I could feel something was wrong. I started to become the queen of nagging, picking apart W on the daily. At first he was kind, but then the nagging started to take a toll on him. W became more distant, less open, which then in turn caused me to nag and pick even more, which created a vicious cycle. Most couples were going to Christmas parties and hanging out with friends. W and I, instead, had nasty fights most nights, which would end with me crying myself to sleep while W took his anger out playing video games.

I would had a cycle of thoughts on the daily. I would wake up and think about how I should lay off of W and let him be. By midday, I would be so anxious that I would text him to see what he was doing, and if he was doing whatever chore I had assigned him. After school, I would come home and wait for him to arrive. He would come, and somehow I would always find something to be upset at. We would then do our normal fight, I would threaten divorce, then I locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep. This was routine – it became my normal. Even after the holidays, this pattern continued. 

The new school year started in January for the both of us, and I was miserable. I hated W, I hated myself, I hated that I had gotten married. Everything just felt wrong. I would go on Instagram and see all these happy couples. I envied them. I wanted to be like them.

I decided to continue to try to make my marriage work. I focused on school. Each morning, W left for UVU and I left for BYU… fast forward to March.

It took me by complete shock. W confessed. He had been pretending to attend College for two semesters. He pretended to go to class, pretended to do homework and tests. He would come back home after I left for the day, and lounge around the house. He started doing this in the beginning of our marriage, but overtime he became depressed and anxious himself from this secret. I had been so focused on my own depression and anxiety, I didn’t even consider he had it as well.

I know some people reading this will think his lie isn’t a big deal. But to me, it was heartbreaking. It was the deceit, and tricking, and living in a lie. I left the house and drove around the neighborhood in tears. Was this going to be my breaking point? Would I call off the marriage? Should I? Was he lying about other things? How could this happen? I had been working my butt off and he was just lounging at home? He didn’t even have a job. 

My mind couldn’t stop. I was devastated. I was lost.

I returned late that night, ignored him and his attempt to talk to me, and went to bed in tears yet again.