Part 1: When is Divorce the Answer? by Anonymous

A Story of Emotional Abuse in Marriage, Physical Abuse in Marriage, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Husband

We talk a lot about working through problems and staying married here at Wives’ Tribe, but when is divorce the answer?

Abuse is a reason to end a marriage, and so is a person who is not only imperfect but also immovable. A person who is treating you poorly and entirely unwilling to change may have problems that are beyond your control.

Read on for a story about emotional abuse in marriage and how this anonymous writer dealt with their hurdles. After enduring physical abuse in marriage and narcissistic personality disorder in her husband she chose to call it quits.

The Masquerade of a Perfect Marriage

I grew up in the most incredible, happy, sheltered household and will always be grateful for my upbringing and all my parents did to make it so wonderful. They raised me to feel trusted, confident in who I was (even though I was shy and pretty timid) and know that I am full of worth.

I’ll never be able to thank them enough for that because I honestly think that’s what not only kept me sane during my marriage but also helped me come out stronger. 

However, it’s important to remember that even the best, most angelic parents aren’t perfect. My parents never, ever fought. And they made sure we knew it.

I thought this was the highest of achievements and was completely determined to do the same with my future spouse. It wasn’t until after I was married that my mom opened up and, almost privately, disclosed that they disagreed plenty and had even once yelled at each other.

I was SHOCKED, and I’ve since learned the value of healthy arguing in front of your kids. 

I was also taught by my parents that divorce is never an option. Ever.

They simply were trying to convey that marriage is the most important promise you’ll ever make in your life and I absolutely agree.

Meeting and Marrying

I think the world takes marriage too lightly nowadays and it’s important to understand that you have to choose and work every day to make a marriage last.

But there are almost always exceptions, and I sometimes wish I would’ve realized that earlier.

I met P when I was attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I was 22 and had never dated anyone seriously before. I was set up on a blind date by my roommate and from the very first date, I knew he was going to be my first boyfriend.

I was beyond excited. He was handsome, charming, a gentleman, and was very active in our church, all of which I loved. He checked all of the boxes and then some. 

But what I loved just as much was how enamored he was with me. No one had ever taken interest in me like he had.

He made me feel so beautiful and loved and always put me first. He almost showed me off like some kind of prize.

He was everything I’d ever wanted and it all felt so right. Things moved very quickly and smoothly, and we were married about five months after we went on our first date. 

A couple of weeks after our wedding, I started to notice that he was critical of a lot of the things I was doing.

Feeling Like a Failure as a Wife

The example everyone always jokes about regarding arguing in marriage is that spouses load the dishwasher differently and it frustrates the other person.

But with P, he took everything to the next level. I did load the dishwasher differently than him and he’d tell me that there really is a right way to load the dishwasher, educate me as to why, and then argue that if you don’t know that you’re stupid.

Things like this happened a lot, and I thought to myself, “Wow. I knew everyone said marriage was difficult, but this is actually pretty rough.” 

Things like this happened more and more frequently. We both started to realize things weren’t great and that they were continually getting worse.

He would have angry outbursts and I would try to help fix things, but wasn’t able to much because I was afraid I would make things worse.

He’d let me know that I was a failure of a wife for not being able to calm him down during those times and for doing stupid things that made him angry.

Even the smallest of things set him off. He would have me study empathy and active listening tactics because I wasn’t good enough at listening to him and making him feel loved and heard.

Spouse with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

At the same time, he started to feel more anxiety and have panic attacks.

When we were dating, he’d opened up to me about how he’d had a TBI (really bad concussion) about 4 years earlier and as a result of that he’d developed Panic Disorder and depression and generalized anxiety.

He assured me that he’d seen a therapist and all of that had been cleared up.

Things were starting to get a lot worse and we figured this was making things in our marriage worse, even though it wasn’t the cause, so we decided to get him treatment for his TBI.

We started a Go-Fund-Me and after a couple months almost a year into our marriage, he was able to receive a full treatment from Cognitive FX in Provo.

I was desperately hoping this would solve a lot of issues and things got a little better.

The angry outbursts weren’t as frequent for a little while, and he was slightly more patient because his brain didn’t get overwhelmed as easily, but none of the issues were actually resolved.

After a few weeks or so though, things were just as bad as before. I was heartbroken but determined to keep pressing forward and work through things. 

Starting Marriage Therapy

About a year into our marriage, things were so bad that he suggested we go to a marriage counselor. I was initially very against the idea just because I didn’t want to admit to myself that our marriage was actually that bad.

In my mind, therapy was only for people who seriously needed help. There was such a negative connotation associated with it.

However, it only took a week or so of things continuing to be terrible that I realized therapy wasn’t a bad thing and that I’d do absolutely anything to fix what was wrong.

So, we picked a therapist and went. 

She met with us together and then separately the first session.

When she met with me, she asked me questions about my self-esteem and if I feel valued and if he makes me feel like things are my fault.

I actually got a little defensive of him because it almost seemed like she thought he was hurting me emotionally or something.

Apparently, P felt it, too, and he concluded that since she was a woman she was automatically taking my side. So he decided we should stop seeing her.

After this meeting, though, I couldn’t stop thinking about some of the questions she asked me. I thought about them all of the time and did a lot of research.

Story of Emotional Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Husband

About a week after that appointment, I had the realization that P was emotionally abusive. It hit me like a stack of bricks.

It was devastating, but also the most incredible feeling because I now knew what was wrong.

And if I know the problem, the answer to the problem is so much more accessible.

I also finally felt validated.

I did more research and realized that all of the belittling and making me feel like everything was my fault wasn’t just me going crazy. I wasn’t actually a terrible wife or person.

I also learned that abuse is typically a cycle. They are terrible and belittling and then they’re absolutely wonderful and almost abnormally sweet and kind.

If things were always terrible, victims of abuse wouldn’t stay in relationships with abusive partners.

There’s an element of brainwashing as well. The abusive partner slowly tears you down and makes you believe they are the only one that can give you any meaningful validation.

They cut you off from friends and family and gain complete control over your life.

I realized that I rarely talked to any of my loved ones anymore. And when I did, I’d have to hide it because he’d always interrogate me after looking to see if I’d said anything at all that could make him look bad.

In the meantime, we were with his family at least three times a week. He had to know where I was at all times, who I was with, what I said, if I spent money and why I spent it–everything.

I was constantly walking on eggshells.

He would even get mad because I changed everything I did to do what I thought would please him or not make him angry. He could tell that I wasn’t being myself or only doing what I thought he wanted me to do.

Everything I did was wrong and offensive to him. I didn’t know what to do.

Join us again next week to read Part 2 of “When is Divorce the Answer?” to hear about this writer’s story of emotional abuse in marriage and experience with physical abuse in marriage.

We are all about education here at Wives’ Tribe. You never know when you’re going to hear that one piece of advice that will change your perspective and your marriage.

Here are some other affiliate educational tools we recommend to improve your relationship.

Save The Marriage System:

“Once I realized that “traditional” methods of marriage therapy don’t work, I determined to find and create strategies, techniques and methods that do work.

It led me to abandon much of the “old school” ideas about how to help troubled couples…and so should you.