Feeling Lonely in Marriage: by Kenzie

Marrying young means you get to grow and change together — but of course, that comes with growing pains. Kenzie found that she was feeling lonely in her marriage after falling in love at 19.

If you have ever asked the question: Why do I feel so lonely in my marriage?, then we encourage you to read Kenzie’s experience below.

Our Story: Meeting & Marrying So Young

I married my husband when I was 19 years old. Marrying so young has its own hardships, but I’ll save that for another story. 

We met at BYU-Idaho, where we were both undergrad students. We dated for a year before we were married. A few years later, we both graduated from BYU-Idaho.

I graduated in Elementary Education and my husband graduated in Exercise Physiology. He planned on applying for physician assistant school that fall and hoped to start the following year.

I taught second grade and he worked while we waited to hear about PA school. He got into a school in Provo, Utah, so we packed up and moved!

Marriage isn’t always champagne and roses. My husband warned me that PA school is no walk in the park, and that it would require a lot of his time. I was okay with that. I usually handle being on my own very well and I don’t mind it. 

Why Do I Feel So Lonely in My Marriage?

His first day in the program, I found out I was pregnant and due the coming January. We were so excited.

I had a teaching job in Utah that I would work for the year. That teaching job would cover our insurance and pay for our living expenses.

PA school is spendy, so his tuition was all covered with loans. That summer I was without him a lot, but I had friends that I would do things with and I was happy. I was preparing for my school year and the baby that was coming.

Once school started, I got busier and wasn’t able to do things as often with friends. I found myself coming home from a long day of teaching to be eating dinner alone in our apartment.

I was so used to being alone, I got to the point where I almost didn’t like making plans with other people. Some days he would be able to come home for dinner before heading back to campus. 

Feeling Lonely in Marriage

I found myself becoming annoyed with how often he was gone. He got straight As on his tests and in class, so I would often wonder why he was spending so much time there when he obviously didn’t need so much.

I also found myself getting annoyed if he went to the store or to grab a bite with friends. He could do those things, but didn’t have a second to come home and see me? It was easy to feel hurt and bitter.

I realized he needed a break and to blow off steam, but why couldn’t he include me in that?

Once I had our son, things got worse. The amount of time he spent at home was the same, but I had a newborn baby. We didn’t live near family, so we were completely on our own.

We lived close enough that we could make the drive for a weekend occasionally, but we weren’t close enough to get daily help. 

Postpartum Depression and Isolation

About a week after I had our son, I started to feel depressed. I had him in the winter, and when babies are up all night crying, you get your days and nights all mixed up. I was alone in a small apartment for 13 plus hours a day, my husband was usually up before we were and then got home after we were asleep. 

I wondered, why do I feel so lonely in my marriage? I woke up to do the feedings because I was breastfeeding, and I felt like my husband wasn’t much help with that. I felt myself slipping more and more into this dark state.

I would cry and cry because I was so tired and so alone. I didn’t love my baby as much as I could have. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

There was one night I told my husband that I felt like I was a single mom because I was always alone and we only had my income, but it was worse, because if I were a single mom, I would at least live by my family.

He went on a school trip to St George for conferences one weekend and missed our anniversary. I understood that he had to go, but as I saw the fun things he was doing with his classmates while he was there I felt betrayed. It wasn’t fair that he got to get out of the house and have fun with other adults and get a break while I never got breaks — all the while missing our anniversary. 

Losing Myself in Marriage

Anytime your spouse is gone, it’s hard. I found myself becoming an ugly person that was always hurt and bitter. If my friends ever complained about their husbands being gone at work for 9 hours a day I would roll my eyes and think, “at least you get to see your husband.”

I never got me time, I never got to go to the gym or just breathe without having my child there. 

I love being a mother and I love my son so much, but if you were to ask any parent, everyone needs a break, and I felt like I was never getting that. I would go to work and still wouldn’t get much adult social time because I was still working with kids. Once summer came, the plan was to be done teaching so I could be a stay-at-home mom. I found that I missed work because that was what I saw as my “me time” to get out of the house.

Choosing to Be Supportive & Understanding in Marriage

We have been working hard on being present when we are together and getting through this tough time. Although we are apart often, it is for a good reason, and PA school will eventually end. When it comes down to it, you do what you need to do. 

I realized how hard it was for him to be away and that I was really only looking through my perspective and not his. Both partners’ feelings in a marriage are valid and important, and there needs to be a give-and-take.

There will always be something in life that I am looking forward to, and I am trying to be better about that. Living in the moment is much better than counting days, and although we are excited to be done with this stage, I am sure there will be days in the future where I miss it. 

Him being gone so much has been a strain on our marriage and it is an obstacle, but there will always be something that we will need to work on. Feeling lonely in marriage is a problem that can be repaired with communication and time.

In the meantime, I am trying to keep a positive outlook. This is a time in our marriage where I need to support him. I know there will be a time when it is my turn to do something great, and he will be able to support me in return.

If you’re feeling alone in marriage, you’re not alone. Kenzie is working through lonely and depressed feelings by using open communication in marriage. She works hard to put herself in her husband’s shoes, and he tries to put himself in her shoes.

Marrying so young is not the cause of feeling lonely in marriage — it can happen at any stage and to any couple, so please know you are not alone!

Our Wives’ Tribe workbook is an excellent way to start feeling closer to your spouse. You’ll be surprised by how these small gestures can transform your marriage.

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