Marriage Isn’t a Fairy Tale: When Values Change Over Time by Anonymous

I was told as a young woman to date and marry someone whose values matched mine. I was never told they might change their mind.

I was taught to value and strive for a temple marriage. I was not told that I might fall in love with someone who wouldn’t necessarily want the same thing.

My husband is a wonderful, kind, and caring individual. He loves serving others, he is frugal, he put others before himself… in short, he is amazing. He accepts me in all my flaws and puts up with my crazy family.

When we first got married, we thought it best to have a civil marriage, and later get sealed in the temple. We did this in part because my Dad is not a member of my religion, and we did not want to offend him.

I did not foresee the challenges this choice would have on my life, and this was only the tipping point for us.

A year after our marriage, my husband’s overall faith in religion declined. We would argue about church and church activities and I felt deeply that he should attend, but when he didn’t, I wouldn’t go either.

I started school and the fights were too much. He started down a path I wasn’t sure I wanted to follow. He would go to clubs, drink, and hang out with people that did not represent my values.

I was hurt. Divorce was mentioned once during this time, but I could still see that he was the same person, just going through something that I couldn’t understand.

Over time, he came back to himself, but a little different. He doesn’t drink except for the occasional outing with coworkers or his brothers. He definitely has no desire to go to the clubs or bars. Most of his friends are not the same ones because they eventually wore out their welcome.

I have changed too. I have realized there are times to fight and times to just let things ride. I try to give space and when he has his moments. When church is just too much, I just let him be.

We have children now, and I think he sees that his example is important. By avoiding confrontation, I give him time to reflect instead of getting defensive. I can’t say we are always perfect, but we are constantly working on coming together on our differences.

One piece of advice I can offer is don’t get caught up in the fairy tale. Sometimes we see all someone has and we think “Wow, how wonderful. Their life is so perfect.” It’s NOT. They have their struggles. I know we certainly do.