Infertility, PCOS, and Self-Blame By Aimee
Are you and your spouse struggling with female and/or male infertility and coping with the stress that comes with it? We encourage our readers to visit Save The Marriage and begin this tried and proven experience to strengthen their marriage!
When I was fourteen, I had had my first menstrual cycle and didn’t have another one till I was fifteen. I would only have them every few months. Remembering health class, I knew that wasn’t normal.
When I turned sixteen, I started having periods twice a month for a year. These weren’t light and painless periods — these periods were the periods from hell! I would go through three ultra plus tampons in two hours.
My periods were so heavy and painful to the point I could barely walk without feeling like I was going to collapse. All of this led up to me becoming anemic and having other health issues.
One day when I was eighteen, I was taken to the emergency room because I was having appendicitis like symptoms. I found out that I had ovarian cysts and just had two golf ball size cysts burst. I had to rest for three days to recover from the toxins that those cysts had released throughout my body.
Fast forward a few years later, I met the love of my life while I was serving a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. After returning home, we dated for a few months and were then married in the Provo, Utah Temple.
A few months after marriage, my sweetheart and I had been dreaming about starting a family and went off birth control to start our dream. However, after months and months, the only results I got were devastating and dreaded negative pregnancy tests. My days were filled with taking vitamins, experimenting with home remedies, researching female and male infertility, receiving unhelpful advice, and hearing unwanted commentary.
The negative pregnancy tests had devastating impact on both the heart of my husband and me. I consider myself lucky though. I had heard time after time how marriages had been torn apart by infertility, couples who blamed the other for infertility issues.
That was not my husband’s and my issue. We never once blamed the other for our infertility that we were experiencing. However, what we did experience though was blaming ourselves individually for not being able to give each other the gift of a baby.
It became even more difficult when it seemed like everyone and their dog were announcing their own bundles of joy that would be coming into this world. It would also hurt when people would say “You’re young, you have time,” or “You haven’t been trying for that long.”
That prodding question, “When are you thinking about having children?”, is gut-wrenching. When you’re going through infertility and dealing with people’s comments, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been trying. It always feels like a lifetime.
After almost a year of trying, we decided to go to the gynecologist to see what the problem was, as well as look into infertility treatments. I had suspected before going to that appointment that I had PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) infertility. When telling the nurse what I thought I had, I thought I was going to be brushed off.
However, I truly felt deep down in my heart that this was the problem. The nurse said that I didn’t show normal PCOS symptoms, but that she thought I had endometriosis. She would still do a blood test just to make sure.
A week later after the appointment and getting my blood drawn, it was confirmed. I had PCOS, which caused PCOS infertility. Even though I found comfort in finally being diagnosed, I felt lost after receiving this diagnosis.
Among the other cocktail of my emotions were anger, sadness, hope and hopelessness combined, and betrayal from not only my own body but also God. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings were going through me. I didn’t know how to process it.
I had spent all this time trying to get pregnant only to find out my difficult diagnosis. I loathed myself for not being able to get pregnant. I blamed myself for not being able to give the love of my life a baby. I grew angry at my body for not being able to do the one thing that a woman’s body is supposed to be able to do.
I would cry to my sweetheart after a negative pregnancy test about how much I wanted to give him baby and felt disappointed that I hadn’t been able to do so. He would comfort me even though he was just as sad. He would tell me that everything was going to be okay and that infertility treatments and adoption were options.
My partner was always so kind and strong through these times. I couldn’t be more grateful that he never blamed me once, even when it was my body that was having the infertility issues.
After getting my diagnosis of PCOS infertility, we started the process for resetting my ovaries and getting rid of the cysts with using low hormone birth control. What the gynecologist didn’t tell us was that, sometimes in the resetting process, you can have a successful ovulation cycle and get pregnant. I guess this could count towards an infertility treatment, although it’s a rare occurrence to get pregnant during this treatment.
Little did I know that I would be one of the rare cases it would happen to. During this time, I was able to accept my condition for what it was, both my husband and I had to learn how to stop blaming ourselves, and we had to be kind to ourselves for something that was out of our control.
After accepting these truths and resetting my ovaries, A MIRACLE HAPPENED. We found out a few weeks into the treatment, that our wish came true and that we would be welcoming a baby into this world. I was in so much disbelief when the test came out positive, I shouted for my husband to come see.
We were so excited because it was finally our turn. Our hearts especially jumped out of our chests for joy when we had our confirmation ultrasound. We saw our sweet girl on the screen and saw her little heart beating to just let us know she was alive and well.
Infertility and pregnancy were difficult. However, I wouldn’t trade it for the world for the sweet little girl we have today.
Are you and your spouse struggling with female and/or male infertility and coping with the stress that comes with it? We encourage our readers to visit Save The Marriage and begin this tried and proven experience to strengthen their marriage!