Imperfect People Part 3: Marriage Roles and Responsibilities

by Anonymous

When we are struggling in our own marriages, sometimes inspiring stories of marriages that survived are exactly what we need. This anonymous author shares how she struggled in her marriage due to love languages, communication fallout, and questions about roles.

Marriage roles and responsibilities cause a lot of marital strife. Read what this author learned about making marriage work when she and her husband could not agree on their roles in their long-term relationship.

I have opened up about some of the darker moments in my marriage, but I want to paint a better picture of what my relationship looks like. I’d bet money that this will be the most relatable part of my story.

To read part 1 of this story, click here. For part 2, here.

Expectation One: Marriage Roles and Responsibilities

Here was the plan — well, my plan, anyway:

He was going to handle all the finances and bills. I was going to cook most of the meals and do most of the dishes. He was going to lock the doors and turn off the lights. I was going to do the laundry. He was going to take out the trash cans and roll them out to the curb. I was going to put the kids to bed. He was going to weed and maintain the lawn.

Oh, how wrong I was. Well, I was right about some things: I do most everything with the kids, all the cooking, and… all the dishes. But I also shovel snow, take the trash out, handle insurance, mow lawns, pull weeds, and manage the budget. My husband works tirelessly at work and school.

I think most of the differences come from what we saw growing up, but part of it is the way my spouse manages stress. I have tried crying and throwing fits about needing more help, but that doesn’t usually get us anywhere.

Marriage roles and responsibilities are still stressful for my husband and I. When it comes to wanting more help from your spouse, here is what I have found works best:

1. Using “I” statements like “I feel very overwhelmed right now.”
2. Not nagging, just going about my work, and eventually he’ll ask, “What can I help you with?”
3. Being grateful for the help I do get and appreciating the long hours my spouse puts into supporting our family.

Expectation Two: Seamless Communication

In my brain, I was going to be the perfect wife, and because of that, my spouse would always treat me like a queen. His comments would always be uplifting and never hurtful.

Well, surprise, surprise, I’m not the perfect wife, and he makes mistakes, too.

I would recommend studying how your spouse’s parents interact (if they are still together) and taking notes. This might help explain some of your spouse’s behavior and give you peace of mind. I’m not saying all of us act exactly the way our parents do, but sometimes that’s all we have to fall back on, especially during arguments.

The argument style in our marriage includes name-calling, yelling, and condescending comments. It’s not just my spouse – I fall into it, too.

This is something we are still working on, and I’m still not fully happy with it, but things have improved greatly over the years. I think the following strategies have helped us:

1. Conversations in peace and quiet. I have communicated how much his words hurt me, and he expresses that he doesn’t mean his words as cruelly I tend to interpret them.
2. Learning to appreciate the upsides of these arguments – while they are explosive, they are over quickly. My husband forgives quickly and we are back on good terms within minutes. Yeah, it’s pretty crazy.
3. Humbling myself. This has been so hard, but humility is what marriage is all about. I have slowly become more honest and less defensive. I listen to his words and often realize, “Yup, he’s right about that.” One lesson I’ve applied is that he’s mentioned I’m sensitive and take things too personally. While that sent me into rage and tears originally, over time I have realized that he had a point. I am able to let his words roll off of me and forgive him a lot more easily than I could before.

Expectation Three: Corresponding Love Languages

My love language: In my wildest fantasy, my spouse gives me an amazing compliment. “Wow, I’m so lucky. I got the best wife in the world. She cooks, cleans, does the dishes, reads to the kids, puts them to bed, and then makes me a milkshake while I get to relax on the couch.” The next day, he gets home from work and says, “Sit down. I’ll do the dishes, take care of the kids, and clean the house tonight. You deserve a break.”

His love language (I think): I sit by him and watch phone videos with him or notice his video gaming abilities. We don’t even have to talk much, but I comment on what’s going on and share his enthusiasm with him. I cuddle with him and show him physical affection.

To sum it up, my love languages are WORDS OF AFFIRMATION and ACTS OF SERVICE. The very lowest on my list? Quality time.

My spouse’s love languages are QUALITY TIME and PHYSICAL TOUCH. Rock bottom on his list? Words of affirmation.

Classic, right? I could go weeks without being with my loved ones so long as they text me and tell me how awesome I am. My husband feels awkward about compliments and gets offended if I want to watch a TV show by myself in a different room.

Here are a few tools we use to improve this huge gap between our love languages:

1. I do what I can to speak his love languages. It’s easy enough to cuddle him or give him a kiss, and that makes him happy. I watch shows with him when I can stand it, and occasionally I plan a date or night out.
2. I try to be expressive about my needs. When I’m feeling low, I tell him I really need a compliment or some help around the house. The conversation can be hard to navigate but usually leads to him telling me something uplifting, like the fact he talks about how great I am to other people all the time (even though it’s too hard for him to tell me face-to-face 😉)

Remember, even if you don’t understand the other person’s love language doesn’t mean it’s less valid than yours.

Expectation Four: Outstanding Character

I wish I had heard more inspiring stories of marriages that survived before I got married. It would have been nice to know that I should expect the unexpected.

While many of my expectations were not met, many of them have been exceeded. I never knew I was going to marry someone as ambitious or driven as my spouse. I’ve never met anyone else like him. I never knew I could find someone so fun, energetic, positive, and enthusiastic.

In the fourth and final part of my story, I’ll revisit some elements of the first parts of my story and reveal how I overcame those challenges and that sense of despair. Most importantly, I’ll explain how I’ve taken one of the biggest challenges of my life (my marriage) and turned it into my greatest treasure.

To read part 4 of this story click here.

Browse our website for more inspiring stories of marriages that survived. Whether you have struggled with marriage roles and responsibilities, love language differences, addictions, personality differences etc., there’s a story here for you.