Imperfect People Part 2: Empty Threats in a Relationship, Feeling Confused about Marriage, Husband Raised His Hand to Me

by Anonymous

Have you or your spouse ever implemented empty threats in a relationship? A sense of lacking control can act one or both partners to act out.

Like the author, you may be wondering: “What should I do? My husband raised his hand to me.” If you’re feeling confused about marriage for this reason or any other, this story might provide some insight.

Part II: Raising a Hand

Read Part 1 of Imperfect People here!

Feeling Confused about Marriage

Confusion has accompanied me throughout my marriage. It’s this deep confusion that I can’t dig myself out of. I’m never sure if it’s my husband or myself in the wrong, or both. I never can tell if I’m being insanely overdramatic or if I’m the coolest wife in the world.

I don’t remember where our arguments begin or end. All I remember are the intense feelings I experience. Extreme frustration and desperation are followed by hopelessness and despair.

I only remember one or two isolated incidents with clarity. I hate typing this story out. I can feel my throat and chest tightening, but I will share one of those incidents with hope that it helps someone else feel less alone.

We were riding in the back of someone else’s car on the way home from a college football game. We had invited another couple that we didn’t know at all but wanted to befriend.

My Husband Raised His Hand to Me

We picked up our young son from my brother’s apartment to take him home. Our son must have been about fourteen months old at the time. The little guy was half-asleep, and he was positively livid. 

He screamed. And screamed. The sounds filled the small and gave us all headaches. It was embarrassing. We couldn’t even talk over him. The ride was tense to say the least.

Our son was a really well-behaved baby in general, and my husband wasn’t used to dealing with this level of tantrum. He was getting frustrated. He placed his hand roughly over our child’s mouth and held it there, muffling his cries.

I knew it was a bad idea before I did it, but I couldn’t control myself. I grabbed my husband’s arm and threw it off our son, telling him to stop. The stress of it all was clearly too much for my husband, who raised his hand above his head in the darkness, as if threatening to hit me.

I don’t think I was ever scared. I don’t think I believed this man would actually hit me.

I knew he was just trying to make a point. But the point he was trying to make shocked and disappointed me, and instantly sent me down into a familiar place of sinking despair.  

This is a good man, why would he ever do this? What is wrong with my relationship?

I was pregnant with our second child. Was this a valid reason to abandon the marriage?

Empty Threats in a Relationship

Doubts and insecurities are flooding through me as I share this hated memory. And you know what?

The thing that triggers me the most is not the actual memory. It’s the potential for judgment.

In my mind, there are two groups of people that will emerge after reading this story. Group one is rolling their eyes and saying: He’s an idiot, but he didn’t actually do anything. You’re being over-dramatic.

Group two is reading this with wide eyes and saying: I would walk out the door. You should never put up with being treated that way. You need to do something drastic.

The two groups are products of my imagination, of course, but they are so real to me that I am extremely hesitant to share this with anyone.

To tie up the story, suffice it to say our new friends never called us again.

Overcoming Mistreatment in Marriage

My husband and I had a conversation later, in which he told me that he would never, ever hit me or any woman. (My heart goes out to those women who endure physical abuse and get trapped in these relationships.)

I already knew that my husband wouldn’t hit me, but the threat itself hurt me deeply and made me question who I had married.

I remember secluding myself in a dark bedroom, begging God to please help me. I begged Him to send someone to help me, to text or call me.

I told Him I needed someone to tell me what to do about my marriage. The hardest part of it all was that I didn’t feel like God answered me in the time I needed Him most.

I got a lot of silence back after these prayers.

Occasionally I heard words like “Only you can control your reactions.” “Choose not to let this get to you.” “You can be strong if you want to be.”

I didn’t know if these answers were coming from God or my own head, because they just didn’t seem fair.

Why didn’t I get any empathy? Why didn’t I feel any love?

It was in these moments that I felt most alone.

I hope you keep reading on in parts 3 and 4 of my story so I can explain how I overcame these challenges.

Although my spouse and I don’t have the same communication styles, we were able to forgive and focus on all of the positive parts of our marriage. I am so relieved that we have slowly improved our marriage and that my outlook has changed significantly.

For now, I really would like to know: Does anyone else keep secrets about their marriage for fear of judgment? Is that fear so oppressive that it keeps you from getting the advice and comfort you need?

Read on in Part 3: Acknowledging Expectations.