Feeling Ambivalent Towards your Partner: Facing the Challenge of Postpartum Depression by BriElle

I was hit with postpartum depression shortly after the birth of my third child. I had three kids ages two and under, and felt completely overwhelmed by my situation.

“How can I do this? What have I done to myself? Do I even like being a mom?” were all thoughts that scrambled through my mind relentlessly.

I wept, feeling so much anxiety and pressure to be all that my three kids needed me to be.

Thankfully, that pressure did not come from my husband. He did not expect to come home from work with a clean house or dinner on the table. He is an incredible man, and fully supports me in every effort I make.

But in this case, he did not know how to help. He didn’t know what to say to make me feel better. He could not “fix” my depression. But he supported me when I expressed to him, “I think I need help.”

I was able to get help from my OB at my 6-week check-up when I cried to her saying, “I just feel sad all the time, like I’m suffocating.” She prescribed me with anti-depressants, and I felt like I was able to assume a new normal. I was stressed, but not overcome and paralyzed. I was able to keep on going, but there seemed to be a lack of joy in my life.

I’d like to call this “depression phase 2,” if you will. In this phase, I no longer had the weepies and sadness that most people associate with depression, so I thought I was cured. But instead of feeling sad all the time, I felt nothing.

I was not as easily excited. Things that used to make me happy gave me no feeling at all. Things that would normally make me sad did not make me shed a tear.

I felt numb and lifeless. I felt dull, like the spark inside of me had gone out.

At first, I assumed that this was just my plight as a stay-at-home mom, that my life is just hard and that I needed to just get through it until the kids were a bit older, then things would be easier.

What I did not notice was how drastically this affected my marriage. I knew I loved my husband. I knew I needed him because how on Earth could I raise these kids without him?

But I couldn’t feel anything for him. I wasn’t excited by his presence. I wasn’t thinking of him during those “in-between” moments throughout the day.

He once described it to me… he felt he was being “tolerated” and not “wanted.” And he was right.

I was completely void of romantic feelings during this time, and it took me a long time to notice how bad things had really become.

This went on for several months. Eventually, my depression had started to manifest in other ways. I was having trouble sleeping, I felt completely sluggish every day, my body started to have strange aches and pains.

My doctor suggested that all those things were related to an imbalance of brain chemistry – that my depression was actually not as well-managed as I thought. He suggested changing my anti-depressant, and I figured it was worth a try.

Within days, I felt my emotions pour back into me. It was as though I had been seeing life in black and white, and all of a sudden, I could see in color. The light and the joy came back.

I was finally able to look at my husband adoringly and feel all the love that I knew I had in me. I felt the rush of emotion when we kissed. I felt loved in his embrace.

I was amazed at the difference, and that I could have gone on for so long without noticing how much of our relationship I was missing out on. I cried realizing this, but it also felt good to be able to cry again.

My husband and I decided that we needed to work together and be a united front in the face of my depression. We felt the best thing we could do was to seek counseling as a couple so that we could both understand my depression better.

At first, I felt guilty, like I was the problem that needed fixing in our marriage. But seeking couples counseling helped me to feel like it was both our problem, not just mine. Through the time that we spent with our therapist, we learned about things he needed to change or do to help our marriage, not just me. We learned to give ourselves and each other a bit more grace, compassion, and understanding.

Currently, we are in a very good place as a couple and in dealing with my depression. We are vigilantly watching for signs of depression manifesting again. We are clear in expressing our needs to each other, and intentional about the things we do and say. I feel so blessed to have a partner who takes care of me emotionally the way that he does. ♥️

At first, I felt guilty, like I was the problem that needed fixing in our marriage. But seeking couples counseling helped me to feel like it was both our problem, not just mine. Through the time that we spent with our therapist, we learned about things he needed to change or do to help our marriage, not just me.

Currently, we are in a very good place as a couple and in dealing with my depression. However, now I am pregnant again, and as we approach my due date, I’m beginning to fear that my postpartum depression will return.

I’m hopeful that we’ve gained the communication skills to be able to face it head on if it returns. But I know from my past experience that it can sneak up on you and go unnoticed.

I know that many women experience this form of suffering, especially in silence. I hope my story speaks to someone who is experiencing depression, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and gives them hope that things will get better. Depression is a journey, not the end of the road. There is help and there is hope.