What if you have no connection in your marriage?

by Anonymous

In this true story about marriage, the author struggles feeling connected to her spouse. She wishes her husband was different, and wonders: Can a marriage survive without emotional connection?

Once upon a time, I was frustrated with the connection I had with my husband (or lack thereof). We went on a romantic weekend getaway and I found myself focused on all the wrong things.

Wow, it’s annoying when he does that.

We really have NOTHING in common and NOTHING to talk about.

I wish he was more x, y, and z.

I don’t feel connected to him at all.

WHY did we choose each other?!
It’s easy to see how people can “gro

w apart” and get divorced without any major change or damage.

Can a Marriage Survive without Emotional Connection?

I came away from that trip thinking and praying about why I didn’t have a strong and romantic connection with my husband. The more I thought about it, the more I realized—it was MY fault.

My husband puts in effort all the time. He teases me, flirts with me, spends time with me, etc. The way he goes about those things aren’t always what I would choose. For example, I’d rather have a nice compliment and massage versus the playful tormenting and teasing 

But I realized what I never want to do is be cold towards my spouse. Turn him down even when he’s trying. And, just as importantly, where was my effort?! I needed to take the time and energy I spent worrying about my marriage and use it to fuel something productive.

I started being more playful, even when I was tired, planning dates, and focusing on being a fun partner for HIM. And things have gotten so much better.

Months later, and I look back on that trip with fondness. I remember the quality time we spent together walking around outside, sharing jokes now and then, watching him wheel a lady in a wheelchair up a ramp when she got stuck. I think happily about going to get way too many snacks at Walgreens and then eating them in separate hotel beds while watching TV—still enjoying one another’s company.

So, can a marriage survive without emotional connection? Honestly, I don’t think so.

But from my experience, I think that you’ll have more success if you proactively create a connection than if you spend your energy worrying about your connection. If there’s no connection in your marriage, I recommend thinking of some fresh ways YOU might be able to drive connection in your marriage. Even if it’s not your first choice, if it makes your spouse happy, it might end up making you feel more connected and happy, too!

Attitude is everything in marriage!

One another thing: Attitude in marriage is ALL about perspective. When I get caught up in comparisons on social media or in real life, I find myself thinking that my husband should help me more. When I think people are watching us and judging us, I am more sensitive about the way he talks to me and treats me. (“Why didn’t you want to sit next to me?! All the other couples sat together!” or “Why did you tell them you only do the dishes once a month?!”)

On the other hand, whenever I hear a heartbreaking story of abuse, cheating, or addiction, I quickly become obsessed with my husband. When I remember all of the amazing qualities my partner has, I can’t get enough of him. My perspective on my marriage has everything to do with what I think is “normal” and “acceptable.” (Wanted to note, even partners who have overcome some of these tough challenges like cheating can also feel connected and lucky again in the right circumstances.)

My true story about marriage isn’t over yet. I’m still working on changing that mindset. How do I know what’s okay for me, even if it isn’t okay for everyone else? How do I know what I need, even if some other people don’t need it in their marriages? I still have a long way to go, but at least I can stop myself when I get caught up judging or comparing my husband.

If you want to read more stories like this true story about marriage, the book Is My Marriage Normal? Is filled with real marriage stories, struggles and triumphs. It can be a great read for you or someone you know who wants to learn more about working on their marriage. If your marriage isn’t perfect — it’s NORMAL!