Two People Giving 100%: Blending Families in Marriage and Adjusting Back to Civilian Life by Madyson

When Madyson married her husband, they had a few hurdles to face. They faced explaining their private elopement to family, having a child together, and searching for work after adjusting back to civilian life.

Blending families in marriage can be challenging, but her spouse happily took on the role of “bonus dad” to her daughter. Translating their military life to civilian life tested the integrity of their marriage, but they found a way to push past the stress and arguments.

Marriage is a partnership, a life of living with essentially your best friend, and a life of fulfillment.

I’m married to the love of my life, my best friend, the father of our son, and bonus dad to our daughter. We are in our third year of marriage.

We dated for only a couple of months before we got married. When we decided, we basically eloped and didn’t tell anyone, including our families.

We knew we were meant to be with each other. The rest didn’t matter, we would figure it out. I really believe the saying now, “when you know, you know.” Trust me, we just knew. 

The first year was very tough, especially for my husband who took on the role as a bonus dad.

My daughter was a few weeks away from turning five when they met. He took on the role like a champ, and after meeting, they became inseparable.

We lived the military life for a while. He was Air Force. I became pregnant shortly after we got married and we spent the majority of our first year on the roller coaster of pregnancy emotions and hormones. We also moved to Michigan right before our son was born.

My husband got out of the Air Force in 2018 after serving eight years. We moved to the town he graduated high school from in March and had our son a month later.

Life was constantly going and it seemed to be going faster than we could keep up with. Moving back to his hometown and meeting his family for the first time 35 weeks pregnant with a beautiful five-year-old daughter was definitely not easy. 

Going from active duty military to civilian life was extremely difficult. My husband was constantly job searching when we moved to Michigan, and I was due with our son very soon.

The amount of stress we were both under took a toll on our marriage. We were constantly arguing about what needed to get done so we could be financially okay.

We argued and started to resent each other because a job wasn’t found soon enough. It wasn’t ideal to be arguing about something that was partially out of our hands.

He did end up finding a good job not long after moving, but then decided it wasn’t for him. He was used to a certain lifestyle in the military and in this particular job, he couldn’t quite adjust.

We were home with each other every day after our son was born. Don’t get me wrong, having all hands on deck was something I appreciated, but we really started to get on each other’s nerves.

I knew he was going through a hard time and I was going through a hard time dealing with postpartum after our son was born. We had to find a balance.

He started working another job and I got a part-time job where I could take our little one with me some days. We also enrolled back in school.

I didn’t expect us to have so many disagreements when we were both in a tough spot. It was hard taking care of two kids and transitioning to living in his hometown that was so unfamiliar to me.

His family didn’t quite understand the military life we were accustomed to and expected us at so many family functions. They also expected my husband to be involved in family issues just because he was back home.

He wanted nothing to do with most of it because of our extremely busy schedule. His family started to resent me because they thought it was me that didn’t want to be a part of it.

I was doing the best I could taking care of two kids, going to school, and working my part-time job. We went to the family get-togethers that we could fit into our schedule, but my husband and his family began disagreeing more. They were upset that we had gotten married and pregnant without telling them.

It became apparent that we were outcasts in their world. It has been difficult coming into a family that has treated me poorly. Not every family member, of course, but a few immediate ones.

My husband and I also constantly argued over it because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong to deserve the drama. He made it clear that I need not worry about it because they’ve been that way his whole life. It was challenging when I wanted to mend fences and he wanted to leave things alone.

He comes from a large family. There has been so much tension for over a year with them that I have gotten so fed up and wanted to leave because of it.

Family dynamics had put such a strain on our relationship because I felt like he didn’t care enough to fix it or didn’t care about the way I felt; however, we are just different.

I’m cordial but I’m married to my husband, not his family. Many other members are starting to realize what kind of people they are and it’s been a difficult road. 

The key has been finding the balance between respecting his family but also having self-respect for myself and my family.

Although the first year here in Michigan (our second year of marriage), was a tough one, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

He has stuck by my side through it all cheering me on. He cheers me on as a mother every day. He cheers me on as a full-time college student, and as a wife. 

He is traveling a lot for his job now, and those times are hard, but we make it work. We are very passionate head strong individuals and butt heads a lot.

We love each other though through it all, and we love hard. There are times where I feel so overwhelmed and drained by the end of the day that all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry. 

As a mother of two who is also enrolled in full-time college classes, I really believe I earn those tears. Fortunately, my husband will come home and do it all some days. He will take care of the kids and get them ready for bed, clean up the house and cook after a long day of work. 

Marriage is work on both sides, it’s not 50/50. It’s two people each giving it 100%. He knows when I am drained and I know when he’s stressed.

We balance each other out, especially on the days when I’m not fully grounded. I balance him when he is also not fully grounded. Seasons of life with kids, jobs, school, family, friends etc. can take such a toll on us.

That’s okay, because that’s life, and we are doing it together. We are leaning on each other to get up and to it every day. He sees me at my absolute worst and still loves me the next day and all the days after that. And I do the same. 

There are times that are really tough that make us want to give up on marriage, but we don’t. We made vows to one another, and I know in my heart there is no one else I’d rather be with.

He is my person, who I love and feel my best self with. As I am his. 

Do you have a story about overcoming resentment, stress and arguments in your marriage? Have you, like Madyson, experienced blending families in marriage or adjusting back to civilian life?

We would appreciate hearing your story. It can help other wives learn and overcome.

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