Spouses Disagree Over Family Size: Arguing in Marriage Christian

by Holly

What if you want another baby but husband doesn’t? Holly shares her true experiences with arguing in marriage. Christian couples often value marriage and work hard to overcome problems including when spouses disagree over family size.

Arguing in Marriage: Christian Relationship Story

       My husband and I met in college. We lived in the same apartment complex, but went to different schools. 

He went to a highly regarded school that was hard to get into. I went to a nearby school that a monkey could get into. 

We were definitely not each other’s usual types. I was funky and quirky. I had a tongue ring and a different hair color every other week. He was very clean cut and straight-laced. Still is.

I didn’t shut up; he didn’t talk unless he had something to say. I could talk to the wall (sometimes I still do).  We really clicked somehow, and we dated for six months. Then we were engaged and married within the next four months. 

      We were babies when we got married, twenty and twenty-one. New marriage was great!  Not a lot of fighting or strife. I think our young age worked in our favor. Not rigid or set in our ways. We would just lay on our couch and snuggle for hours on end. 

When we did fight, either of us could stop mid-fight and say, “but honey, I love you!” That lasted a good 6-9 months. 

After only a year of marriage, we had our first baby. That’s when things got layered and more complicated.

When Spouses Disagree Over Family Size

We were raised differently. I assumed he’d be like my dad.  Overly sensitive and sentimental.

My dad was excited about every one of the eight kids they had. My mom could have wanted 20 more and he would have happily obliged.

I thought that was the norm for all marriages.  Probably our biggest fighting and contention in our marriage was family planning.

In my husband’s defense, I wanted to start a family three months after we got married. It was the honeymoon phase and after some urging he hopped on board and agreed.  

        Shortly after we had our daughter, I was ready for round two. I think you do what you know.  But my husband wasn’t feeling it at all!!

Basically from child number one on, we were at odds about having kids. My husband is an accountant. I swear he was spreadsheeting college that put me at a disadvantage.

What if You Want Another Baby but Husband Doesn’t?

There’s no perfect answer to the question “What if you want another baby but husband doesn’t?” It depends on the couple, but it’s essential to respect each other and try to see from one another’s point of view. That’s the key to overcoming any arguing in marriage, Christian marriage or otherwise.

I had to cry, fight, and beg for almost every kid we had. I may have even flipped him off during one of these fights because he wouldn’t get out of my face.

I almost considered drugging him or get him liquored up to get pregnant! He yelled, I cried.  It was a vicious cycle we lived for 13 years. 

          I’ll spare you all the details, but fast forward to now, and we have seven kids ages 20-7 years old. We’ve been married for 21 ½ years and things have calmed. 

After I had my last two children, who were twins, I got my tubes tied, and it felt like a weight of contention was lifted from our relationship.

Now that negotiating having kids is off the table, we are very content and happy in our marriage. We have our moments, but overall, life is good. My husband is very practical and having a large family isn’t.

He obviously loves our kids and actually is probably the better parent. But getting here was definitely out of his comfort zone. 

How to Overcome Tough Arguing in Marriage — Christian or Not

        Obviously, our lives are more nuanced and complex than this. We’ve been together for a really long time. Sometimes I wanna jump on him, other times I want to punch him in the face. 

Things that I once thought were cute and endearing, now incite major eye rolls on my part; and vise versa.

We can go out to dinner and have long moments of silence. But the cool thing is that it’s okay. He gets me more than anyone. He loves me even when I’m neurotic or a beyotch!!! 

He even claims he’d still love me if I gained 500 pounds and had to leave the house on a crane (not sure I buy that one). Bottom line is we are each other’s favorite person and best friend.

We laugh a lot and don’t take ourselves too seriously. And we try to leave space for A LOT of grace.  

      Random things I’ve learned in our marriage have helped so much!  Keep in mind it’s taken over 21 years:

• Movie and TV love is a bunch of crap!
• Guys need a roadmap. Don’t think “if he loved me he would know what I need”
• Be specific!  Give him the coupon to the Coach outlet and put the purse you want on hold. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
• You are on the same team 
• Love him in ways that matter to him (refer to the Love Languages)
• Don’t talk bad about your spouse to other people. Everyone sucks sometimes and your friends or family don’t need to see your spouse in their worst light. 
• You don’t need to like the same things. I’m not gonna watch sports; he’s not gonna suffer through “The Bachelor.”  That’s what moms, sisters, and friends are for. 
• Perception is reality. If either spouse feels a certain way take it seriously and respect it. No matter how irrational, it’s very real to them. 
• Date regularly and go away without kids
• Go to bed angry. The next day you’ll be in a better head space and likely not to flip them off. 
• Be affectionate around your children. Bonus: it embarrasses them.  
• Laugh often
• Defend them to other people. 
• Within the budget, don’t judge their purchases. I’ll never understand a 60 inch TV, he’ll never understand lashes and pedicures. So let’s just move on. 
• Help lighten her load. Nobody wants to do dishes. But if you say you want to she may feel so loved and touched that she won’t make you do them after all. And the more jobs you take off her plate the more likely some Bow-chicka-wow-wow will happen. 
• Have your own life and identity apart from each other 

If you want another baby but husband doesn’t, don’t panic. Try to appreciate the things you love about your marriage, your life, or your child(ren).

Your marriage is worth everything, so don’t give into insatiable arguing in marriage. Christian couples can work together and with therapists over time when spouses disagree over family size.