Part 3: When is Divorce the Answer? The Cycle of Abuse in Relationships, How to Open Up about Domestic Abuse, Escape Plan: Abusive Relationship, Story about Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
By Anonymous
In the final part of her story, our brave author discusses how to open up about domestic abuse and her escape plan. Abusive relationship trauma can make it hard to end the cycle of abuse in relationships, but our author managed to do it.
Here is her story about breaking the cycle of abuse:
Escape Plan: Abusive Relationship
The next day when I saw the therapist, I told him what happened and the instant I did I saw his demeanor change.
I could see his mind shift away from anything he’d previously planned for my visit to something new.
He told me that my situation was now even more serious and that we needed to come up with an escape plan in case there was a next time.
He gave me a paper and I filled in blanks for names of people I’d contact, where I’d stay, what I’d grab on the way out, etc. I kept this in the bottom of my purse from that day on so I’d have it with me at all times and so P wouldn’t find it.
A week or so later, we had gone shopping and P was furious the entire time. I don’t recall why, but after we got home we were taking the groceries inside and P hit me in the shin with a bag full of canned food as I walked past.
I immediately felt so unsafe and walked to the bathroom to grab my toothbrush so I could follow my plan and leave.
He followed me in and wouldn’t let me go for a while.
He threatened to do all sorts of things if I left, but finally he let me go.
I walked outside to the parking lot not knowing which of the two people on my list I would call, but I ended up calling my neighbor.
She lived in our apartment building, but down one floor. I asked if she was home and if I could come over and even asked if I could come in without knocking. When I got there, I broke down and told her everything.
She was the very first person I had told other than the therapist and it was such a relief to have someone I could confide in. The one thing she did tell me after listening to everything was that I needed to tell my parents.
She asked me if it was I daughter if I’d want to know, and I told her I definitely would. But I still completely believed we were going to work through this and I didn’t want them to treat him differently.
I stayed the night there and went to work the next day. P texted me and asked if we could talk after work.
The Cycle of Abuse in Relationships
When we did, he simply asked me what I had learned during that time. He told me I’d had almost 24 hours to figure out how I messed up and told me that if I didn’t go home with him right then, he’d drive right to the courthouse and file for divorce.
I was distraught, afraid, and just wanted so desperately to keep him from acting rashly, so I went home with him and let things cool down.
A couple of weeks later, we spent the day with my family. It was the 24th of July and we’d had a fantastic time, except I knew that as soon as we left, he’d be angry about something I’d done or said about him that made him look bad.
That was exactly what happened. He was already on edge, so I was doing everything I could to not make him angrier. But, as I was making dinner, I used a metal spoon to stir a metal pot and he blew up.
It was one of the worst outbursts yet. Everything felt so dark. He was threatening to hurt me, blaming me for his ruined life- all the usual things, but it was extra bad.
In that moment, I had one of the strongest urges I’ve ever had in my life to go on a drive and call my parents and tell them what was going on a just see if divorce was an option.
I’d asked the the therapist to tell me if he’d recommend getting a divorce and he told me he ethically couldn’t. His job was to help me in whatever decision I’d made. So, I just needed someone who could talk me through it that I trusted.
How to Open Up about Domestic Abuse
I told P I wanted to just go on a drive to let things calm down. It took about an hour of convincing and him belittling me, but finally he let me go. I told him I’d be back in two hours.
I drove to a parking lot a few miles away and called my parents. I told them that P was abusive and that I just needed to know if divorce was an option.
I can’t imagine how they must’ve felt in that situation, but they were strong and told me that they couldn’t in good conscience send me back into that situation at the moment.
They told me that my dad would drive an hour to come get me so I could just be at home for a few days and things could calm down.
While I waited for my dad, I called P’s parents and told them that I had to go home for a few days and asked them to please go to our apartment to be with P. I’d be telling him soon that I was leaving and I worried he would harm himself.
When my dad got to Provo, we dropped off the car at our apartment and started driving away in his car. Once we were on the freeway, I texted P and told him I’d let my parents know that he was abusive and that my dad was taking me home for a few days so things could calm down.
All he said was, “A higher amount of embarrassment could never be experienced. It is done. We are done.”
I never saw him again.
This tore me apart. But the next day, he was begging me to come back so we could talk. I had prayed and talked with my parents and thought very hard and decided that I wanted a divorce.
When I told him, he was terrible to me, but I was amazed at how strong I was. Going through the process of divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Story about Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
He begged me to come back and I almost did, which is shockingly typical in these situations.
He promised me that we’d start over and he’d take me on dates and that we’d be so happy and I believed him, or at least everything in me wanted to.
Having been brainwashed to think he was the one and only person or thing in my life that mattered, it was extremely difficult to leave that behind and figure out who I was without him.
My brother was living with my parents when I moved home and left on a business trip the morning after I arrived. Two days later he came home and the very first thing he said to me when he saw me was that I looked completely different.
I responded by saying that I knew exactly what he meant. I felt completely different. Even after two and a half days of being gone, I was smiling again.
The biggest weight I had ever experienced had been lifted. I wasn’t living in fear.
I was safe. And although I was being torn apart, I was also being mended.
Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship
Later on I found out that P was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which helped me understand what happened and why.
It’s been two and a half years since I left. I’ve learned so much and I am a completely new and improved person. Although I would never wish that situation upon anyone, I’m unbelievably grateful for who I am because of it.
I have also never been happier. Going through Hell makes you realize just how blessed and great life is when you’re out of it. It makes you appreciate the smallest of things.
I never want to forget how much I have to be grateful for.
Before I end my story, I want to list a few things that I learned through this experience.
In doing so, I hope to provide answers or strength or clarity or anything good or helpful to someone who is experiencing something similar or even someone who knows someone who is experiencing something similar.
As I was going through all of this and trying to heal, I realized that anyone who could empathize with me even the smallest amount was an enormous help. I hope to be that person for as many people as I can.
Lessons Learned from Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship
I also want to acknowledge that I am not a professional and can only speak from experience, so my opinion and experiences may not be right for everyone.
1. Therapy is not for “failures.” There is no reason to think there is a negative connotation associated with it. Therapy can benefit anyone and everyone and is a fantastic resource even if you don’t think you need help. If you’re considering it, do it. And don’t wait.
2. Grief is so normal and needed. I saw a therapist that deals with victims of abuse after leaving and she helped me realize that grief isn’t linear. You don’t just experience the stages of grief once. It’s kind of like a spiral that keeps getting bigger and bigger. You experience the stages over and over and over, but as time goes on, you experience them less often.
3. Mental health plays a huge part in these situations. However, it’s not something to just run away from. It is real and can be dangerous in rare cases, but just because someone struggles with their mental health doesn’t mean you should just steer clear. You simply need to become educated and get to know them well. I also struggled with wondering how much of the abuse was because of his mental health and how much was actually him. I personally believe people are naturally good, so it was difficult for me to believe that anyone in their right mind would do those things. You know what my therapist told me? We’re not supposed to know. That’s not our problem.
4. Tell someone. Even if it’s just one person. Pick someone you really, truly trust and let them know. They can think more clearly than you can because you’re in the middle of mess. Trust them. It’s natural to get defensive regarding your abusive partner, but keep an open mind and take into consideration what they say.
5. Don’t go back. No matter what. Once you leave, you stay away. It’s completely normal to want to return. It’s completely normal to think things will change. But chances are they won’t. Even if you have to blame me for making you not go back. I’ll take the blame. Just don’t do it. And as hard as it seems, you WILL be happier later if you do. Your life won’t end- it will begin.
6. Signs for someone who has a loved one that may be the victim of abuse. If you think you have a loved one that’s going through something like this, it’s a very delicate situation. The victim of abuse will likely get defensive and pull away if you bring anything up. This is where I honestly would recommend talking with a professional before taking any serious action because I don’t have many answers. I would also recommend talking to a professional about signs of abuse so you can understand what may or may not be happening in the situation. I can speak from experience, though, in recommending that you be extra loving and make sure the couple both feels like they are loved and won’t be judged no matter what.
7. Forgiving. This is a tough one. I feel so inadequate giving any “advice” about this. In telling you my thoughts and feelings, I want to emphasize that everyone’s experience is different, and I am not going to be the one to tell you what is right or what you should do. But I can say that forgiving P was the best thing I ever did. I don’t exactly know how I did it, though. In all honesty, it almost came easily to me. At first, I thought it was just me being weak because I felt like he still had a hold on me and my brain and I just wanted him to be ok and taken care of. But I realized after a while that in reality all I wanted was to let go. I wanted to be done. And I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of creating any more negativity in my life. Even now when I tell people my story, I see that it creates a lot of anger and I loathe that. I hate knowing that he still affects people I care about negatively. He doesn’t deserve that. So I let it go. I let it all go. And that allowed me to heal- completely.
8. Warning signs when dating. This is a tough one. Honestly, looking back to when we were dating I didn’t see any red flags. Had I been more educated and less infatuated, I likely would have seen more. Paying attention to how he talked about his extended family, noticing his need to be noticed, recognizing how fast he was pushing the relationship, and how flawless he seemed would have been a few. However, there needs to be a balance between being educated and being paranoid. Paranoia will not do you any good. There will always be things that normal people will do that are similar. It’s absurd to think that everyone that moves fast in relationships is going to be abusive. If you’re worried, pay close attention to how they act in every type of situation. Date for a while and even go to couples therapy when dating (I can’t emphasize enough how awesome therapy is!!).
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it’s time for an escape plan. Abusive relationship trauma can be terrifying, so it’s important to come up with a route of escape that feels comfortable to the victim.
The cycle of abuse in relationships lasts until the victim can be honest and get out. If you’re not sure how to open up about domestic abuse, go to someone you know very well and trust.
We are proud of our author for sharing her story about breaking the cycle of abuse, and we hope it helps someone else out there.
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“Once I realized that “traditional” methods of marriage therapy don’t work, I determined to find and create strategies, techniques and methods that do work.
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