Part 2: Being a Traditional Wife Married to a Feminist Man by Hayley

Our wivestribe.com writers like Hayley are here to confess marriage truths no one admits. Is it possible to be newlywed married and miserable?

There are many reasons why you might be an unhappy newlywed. Here is Hayley’s story.

The Wife Switch: Marriage Truths No One Admits

My “Wife Switch” flipped when we got married, just over 4 years after that first summer. Equally responsible for our full-time student schedules, part-time work, and extracurricular activities, I somehow also assumed my supposed role of being responsible for the cooking, cleaning, and general management of our household.

Irritability and frustration quickly filled the space of our dank cinder block apartment. Not knowing the source of my indignation, David sought to support me by doing the dishes or offering to fold the laundry, hoping that it would assuage my stresses and return me to the “Happy Happy Hayley” (or even Hungry Hungry Hayley) he had married.

Instead of gratefully accepting his offer, I became more cold and more upset.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I realize now that the cause of my increasing animosity came from the idea that my value as a good wife – and a good person – was how well I kept a household. If David ever had to do any of my wifely household duties, that meant I was failing as a wife.

This destructive cycle went on for about a year. I was an unhappy newlywed. Why was I newlywed married and miserable?

The only way I survived it was at the pre-wedding advice of a friend who confided in me – against “common knowledge” – that the first year of marriage was actually the hardest.

God bless you, Kristin, for your honesty.

Luckily, sometime towards the end of that first year of marriage, David slowly eased open my tough “I can handle anything” exterior to show a broken young bride/student/friend/leader who placed her value in her ability to happily serve and fulfill her “wifely duties.” And this is where my new life begins.

My Feminist Husband: Overcoming being an Unhappy Newlywed

It started with David expressing frequently and openly that his love for me was not contingent on my ability to check items off a list of chores… no matter how much that’s how I determined my own love for myself. That is something I continue to work on to this day.

It moved to an open dialogue about gender roles and what our expectations were. My attitude was “as a wife, it’s my job to do x, y, z because I’m supposed to,” while David’s approach is “we decide for ourselves – who decides what’s ‘supposed’ to be done?”

Slowly but surely, I eased up on my frantic chore pace, gave David room to share the load, and learned to appreciate a husband willing to be an equal partner, instead of taking offense at it. 

Once our idea of roles within our marriage began to shift, it gave room for my next challenge: discovering my own aspirations. David is an ambitious man who never bought the “it doesn’t matter what my degree is because I just need to get it as a backup, but then be a stay-at-home mom and pop out babies” argument from me.

I pursued a Nursing degree because it seemed like a good skill set to have as a mom, and I heard it was a decent job to have as a mom if I ever needed to work.

I didn’t get into the BYU Nursing program after applying twice. Figuring “oh well, I just need to get a degree – any degree will do,” I pursued the easiest option: Public Health. And I hated it.

Many tearful nights followed with David asking, “what do you want to major in?” and me responding “well this one’s the easiest and it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Literally we spent months having that same conversation.

Finally, I had it, and David asked me, “what do you want to major in?”

“I don’t know, it doesn’t matter,” I sobbed.

“Hayley, what do you want to major in?” he asked again.

“Well I don’t want to major in Public Health, but it’s the easiest option and I just need to get a degree.”

“Hayley, you’re wasting a lot of money just to get a degree you hate. Especially because I support you dropping out if you hate Public Health so much. What do you want to major in?” he asked again.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to use my degree since I’m just going to be a stay-at-home mom,” I snapped.

Unrelenting, the man with a billion pounds of patience in his 5’10” frame asked yet again, “Hayley, take away the money it would cost, take away the extra time you might spend in school, take away the ‘duty’ of just getting a degree, take away the idea of being stuck as a stay-at-home mom. Take all that away. What do you want to major in?”

“Marketing,” I finally spat out. “I think I want to do business.”

“Well then, let’s get you a Marketing degree.”

Breakthroughs with me often take extra effort.

“I can’t,” I interjected. “The Business School is the most competitive and I just got two denials from the other most competitive school on campus. Also, what I want doesn’t matter, I just need to get a degree and be a stay-at-home mom.”

“It does matter. What you want matters. And if you want a Marketing degree, we’ll get you a Marketing degree.”

Becoming More than a Traditional Wife

Against all odds, I rushed through the necessary prerequisite classes (including an Econ 110 disaster), found a marketing-related internship, applied to the program in the nick of time, got accepted, and finished my Marketing degree in time to graduate with David a year later.

It was a whirlwind, and I went through approximately 259,013 tissue boxes in the process. I was no longer newlywed married and miserable. I had found myself, thanks to my husband.

God bless David, he has certainly earned sainthood by now.

Now, I work on the Marketing Team of a tech company in downtown Dallas and I love it. I see a future in business I’m thrilled to work towards, I don’t see being a mom as the death of Hayley as I know her, and I appreciate David for not allowing me to drown myself in a million chores and expectations.

In alternate realities, I see the person I would have been if I kept down the original path I was ‘supposed’ to walk. Miserable, sad, angry, and filled with regret. Thank God I married a feminist husband.

Next week, read Hayley’s recommendations on how to move past being newlywed married and miserable. Hayley takes marriage truths no one admits and explains how to deal with those truths and be happy in marriage.

If you ever feel or felt like an unhappy newlywed, you might be losing your sense of self. You’ve got to read Hayley’s wise advice in Part III Being a Traditional Wife Married to a Feminist Man. Find it on wivestribe.com on Friday, September 4.