Losing Myself in Marriage by Anonymous

Losing self esteem in marriage is more common than you may think. Your world is changing, and you may be seeking approval from spouse or others. This anonymous writer shares her experience with losing self esteem in marriage.

Losing Self Esteem in Marriage

I definitely wouldn’t say that I have low self-esteem. If anything, I could probably dial down how highly I think of myself… or at least how I present the way I think of myself.

I’ll explain a little. I have always felt odd getting compliments from people, so when I do get one, I always agree with them: “Yeah, I’m amazing” or “Yeah, you will miss me because I’m awesome.” For me, it just keeps things lighthearted and fun.

But after being married for many years, I have really begun to question how I think of myself. I wonder if I have changed who I really am to keep my husband happy.

 I used to be really strong-minded and hardheaded about relationships. It was my way or the highway. If someone made me upset at all, I was done with them in a second. I got my way all the time with old boyfriends.

My husband wasn’t an exception to this rule when we first started dating, but that definitely changed after a while. He started saying “no” to me.

He made me feel guilty about things I didn’t know I had done and made me apologize for them. I would get nervous when he called me because I didn’t know if he was going to be angry with me on the other end of the line. I just wouldn’t answer.

At one point in our relationship, he told me he only kept me around because I was pretty, but that he was going to change me. I know he was trying to be funny, but it hurt me because I know there was truth behind it.

In any other past relationship, I would have been out of there so fast, but I was so obsessed with this boy that I just couldn’t let go.

Seeking Approval from Spouse

 With time, I started to think of myself differently. I didn’t feel good about who I was because of the things he wanted me to change.

I really started to look to him for approval and then reassess myself when I didn’t get it. I would change how I acted and the way I thought.

I would watch the things I said. I would keep some opinions to myself when I knew he wouldn’t agree with them.

I just felt like I was losing myself. Like I was becoming this insecure person and that my self-perception depended on my husband’s approval of me.

I hated it. I hated it so much. I saw that I had become passive and submissive. I had lost my sense of who I was and was almost morphing into this tiny, girly version of my husband.

After all these years of marriage, I have learned that most of our problems have come from our inability to communicate with each other.

We were both communicating, but just not in a way that the other person could understand. My first reaction when faced with contention is to run away.

In my mind, when I come back, the fight should be forgotten and we should move on like nothing ever happened. I had this idea because that is what I grew up watching my parents do.

For some reason, my insecurities kept me from saying anything when we fought. I can still feel myself start to shut down and it’s as if my lips would become stuck together.

There have been many fights where I would just sit in silence and take his criticisms. My head would be storming with comebacks and excuses, but I could never bring myself to let them out.

His reaction is different than mine. He doesn’t run away and hope the fight blows over. He prefers to buckle down and talk about things until we figure it out.

He could sit and talk for hours, and he wanted me to talk back so we could figure things out, but I couldn’t do that. My silence would make him angrier and more frustrated.

In his mind, how were we supposed to get past these fights if I wouldn’t communicate with him?

Losing Myself in Marriage

Our fights could last for days of us just not talking to each other and sleeping in separate rooms until someone finally went up to the other and just apologized.

I remember one time in particular where we were very newly married and just so poor it was crazy. I was working two jobs and he was going to school.

We were out shopping for our secret Santa and our max budget was $20.  He had his brother and I had gotten one of my sisters.

After finding my gift for my sister, I spotted a cute lingerie outfit for myself that I knew my husband would love. It was only $10 so I decided to surprise my husband with it later.

I paid for my sister’s present and the lingerie and went to the car where my husband was waiting for me. On our way home, he noticed my receipt in the cup holder.

He asked me why I spent $30 instead of $20. Wanting to keep the lingerie a secret, I told him that’s how much my sister’s gift cost.

He lost it. Over $10. He started screaming about how poor we were and how reckless I was with our money. I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t.

But my mind was hurling comebacks a million miles a second. I had 100% foolproof reason why I spent the extra money. He would have felt like an idiot for what he said if he knew.

But I couldn’t open my mouth. I didn’t say a single word to him or make up any excuse as to why I spent the extra money. My mouth was glued shut.

The fight would have been over before it had begun if I could have just opened my mouth and told him why I spent the extra money. But that’s what my body did when it felt him getting mad at me. It would just shut down.

Learning to Open Up

It took a lot of time to learn how to communicate with each other. I had to find my confidence and voice when we fought so we could work through the problem and I could explain my side of things. He had to learn to be patient and not jump to anger so I wouldn’t shut down and stop speaking with him.

We have both learned that if we are frustrated about something, we bring it up in a lighthearted manner that doesn’t make the other feel targeted. Bringing things up during pillow talk is never a bad idea. It’s a place where neither of us feels judged or targeted when we need to talk to the other about something.

As we learn how to communicate with each other, I have begun to find myself again. I no longer feel like I have to hide my opinions or thoughts. I’m starting to feel like I can be me again around him.

I love being able to communicate with my husband now, and I feel like we can talk about anything without the other getting hurt or starting a fight.

No matter what we go through, we always come out stronger after our fights. We feel like we know each other a little better each time.

I love my husband, and I love the couple we have become together. We build off of each other and have learned that just appreciating one another can be enough some days.

Do you feel like you’re losing self esteem in marriage, or losing yourself in marriage? Are you seeking approval from spouse or others? You’re not alone. Just remember, you just need to approve of yourself and love yourself. Don’t hesitate to reach out to talk — shoot us an email at wivestribe@gmail.com.