Is your husband emotionally unavailable?

Your boyfriend talked to you for hours. He listened sweetly. He shared family stories and personal secrets. 

Yet here you are asking: “Is my husband emotionally unavailable?”

He doesn’t listen as well as he used to, and he avoids long or deep conversations. He may imply that you are needy or overly-sensitive, and he has a time expressing his feelings to you. 

The “Is my husband emotionally unavailable?” Quiz 

Answer the following yes or no questions to determine whether or not your husband is emotionally unavailable. Go with your gut instinct!

1. My husband rarely uses expressions of feeling such as “I feel down,” “I feel sad,” “I feel jealous,” “I feel lucky,” “I feel grateful,” or “I feel unloved.”
2. My husband does not usually share stories about his day-to-day life with me. 
3. When I try to talk about emotions, my husband makes a joke or changes the subject. 
4. My husband withdraws from deep talks or disagreements. 
5. My husband doesn’t often get excited or enthusiastic when I do. 

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these questions, your husband is emotionally unavailable. 

Things to remember if your husband is emotionally unavailable…

• Many men are trained to be tough and strong from childhood. They may have been hiding their emotions from their loved ones for their whole lives! This type of training takes a long time to undo. 
• The fact that your husband is emotionally unavailable doesn’t make him a bad person and it doesn’t make your marriage a bad marriage. I’ll be the first to admit that my husband is not a particularly emotionally available individual. Emotional unavailability only becomes a problem if it comes with abuse or cruelty.

With all that being said, it is still critical to have emotional intimacy with your spouse… without it, the relationship may fall apart over time. 

3 ways to help your husband become more emotionally available

Is your husband emotionally unavailable? Here are a few reliable methods that might help him open up. 

1. Set a safe-space challenge. Challenge yourself to be a safe space for your partner for 7 days. Don’t ask them invasive questions or push them into opening up. Do your best to avoid complaining, nagging and negativity for just 7 days. Each time your partner DOES share something with you, anything at all, receive it with total acceptance and respond with kindness, encouragement, and love. Always take your partner’s side. After 7 days, you will almost definitely see a change in your partner’s emotional availability… even if it’s subtle. (This safe-space challenge is transformative, so we really advocate it here at Wives’ Tribe. You can check out this video or this workbook to learn more about doing the safe-space challenge properly.) Keep being a safe space for your spouse to continue to build emotional intimacy… it takes time. 
2. Peer into the inner child. It is possible that your partner has emotional wounds from childhood that makes it difficult for them to open up. Take time to think about why your partner is the way they are, and try to understand their fears and hesitations. 
3. Don’t forget about the 5 love languages. If you don’t know your partner’s love language yet, encourage them to take the love language test, or try to determine what their love languages are. Chances are, you have a different love language from your partner. Neither of you are being loved in the way you want to be loved. If you can make an effort to give your partner the acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts that they are missing, they may become more trusting and emotionally available. For more on the 5 love languages, 
4. Ask other loved ones. It’s possible that his closest family members and friends have experienced the same version of your partner that you are experiencing now… someone who is cold and closed-off. Ask his parents, siblings, cousins, or best friends how they get through to him when he doesn’t want to open up. 
5. Utilize other resources. Therapists, books, or workbooks can make all the difference in your marriage. Sometimes we get trapped in the same routines and cycles and our marriages get stale. We designed the 66-Day Marriage Transformation Workbook especially for wives who are feeling distant from their husbands. It includes super-easy daily challenges that are guaranteed to help you feel closer to your spouse. 

Is your husband emotionally unavailable? It’s hard, but it’s not the end of the world. Our message at Wives’ Tribe: a good man and woman can make a good marriage with hard work. A good marriage is well worth the work! 

We wish you luck as you keep getting to know your partner and improving the dynamic of your relationship in the years to come. We wish you and your spouse all the happiness in the world!