How to Deal with Addiction in a Relationship
by Anonymous
This anonymous author shares her battle to save her marriage. What began with overworking led to family problems, drugs, guns, cheating, and zero quality time. This author didn’t give up. Both she and her husband put in an extraordinary effort to save their marriage…
My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and we have 3 kids. As of right now our marriage is still a little rocky but we are learning as we go. Every hour. Every day. Every month. Every year.
I will try and sum up what we went through, and are STILL going through.
When Your Husband is Addicted to Work
My husband was addicted to work. He was gone, all the time. Whether traveling or just at the office. Didn’t have time for us, or for our kids. It was about work, or his hobbies. It was a family owned business that he worked at. As of about 3 years ago, when covid hit, there was a catastrophic problem at work. And because of that problem, there was a huge fallout with my husband and his family. They still don’t talk to this day. (Except his Mom since they are divorced).
Because of this problem, there were days where we didn’t see my husband. He was at work trying to fix this problem. Thought it was just HIS problem to fix and put it all on himself, which it definitely wasn’t.
When Your Husband is Addicted to Drugs
That turned into taking drugs to stay and awake and work, and drugs to fall asleep. These drugs SMELLED. He smoked them, and it was just infused into his clothes. It was nasty. NO amount of washing would get rid of the smell.
Our marriage definitely fell apart because of all this. We slept in different bedrooms. We didn’t talk anymore. We didn’t have sex unless he badgered me about it. It even effected one of our kids to the point of where he wanted to run away all the time and eventually did! This even led to him cheat on me, which I found out later.
We ignored all the problems. We just lived like roommates. I was angry for what he put me through, he was angry at his family and himself.
How Do I Deal with a Paranoid Husband?
Because of the drugs, there came hallucinations and hearing voices. He was so paranoid. Set up cameras and motion detectors everywhere, inside and out. Accused our neighbors of saying things. Mostly about how they wanted to kill us or call the cops or that they knew he had drugs in the house (this was all paranoia due to lack of sleep and drugs).
He would keep guns in the house and sometimes walked around at night with one (not loaded) just in case a neighbor came around. His mother had to stay with us many times and sometimes I would take the kids and go to her house so she could try and help him.
It was so bad that my kids and I kept finding pipes and drugs laying around. Under the living room couch, in the cushions, just laying around anywhere. He would smoke drugs to fall asleep but instead of sleeping he would just literally pass out. to the point of where it was almost impossible for us to wake him up. I even packed stuff up and stayed at my sisters nearby afew times just to get away from him and his drugs.
This was our low. I tried to hide this all from our kids as best as I could. Stayed outside a lot. Went out to pools/playgrounds etc… Made stuff up and lied about things so they wouldn’t know.
I wanted to leave so many times. But at this point we were broke. He didn’t have a job, neither did I. I thought it was impossible to up and leave him.
How to Let God Heal Your Marriage
I know that God had a huge affect on what happened at this point. I started praying harder and getting closer to Him. I remember to this day when I was 99% I wanted to leave my husband. I left to go out for a walk (while kids were in school) and I was just talking out loud to God. Asking him for an answer. Asking Him what I should do.
And as clear as day (I am even crying about it right now because it was so extraordinary) He said ‘Have you tried everything you possibly can to fix your marriage?’.
And that was it. I hadn’t. He hadn’t. WE hadn’t. We just kept ignoring our problems, thinking they’ll just go away. I went home and told my husband what had just happened. We just wept in each other’s arms.
Where to Get Help for Marriage Problems
So from that day on, we started to actually TRY. He stopped doing drugs. (that was rough and he relapsed a few times). He started talking to a doctor, a psychiatrist and a counselor. We did marriage counseling.
Slowly we started to find each other again. We started talking again. Started sleeping in the same bedroom again. He started to hang out with the kids more. We started to laugh with each other again. hold hands.
We are STILL working on it. Everyday I have to remind myself to say something nice to my husband, or give him a hug, or a kiss on the cheek. Anything. We figured out what our love languages were and continue to strive to give the other person what they need.
Putting Things into Perspective
Recently he got another job, one that is from home. That is another obstacle we are learning to deal with. Some days I get angry because he just lays on the couch and does a little work and then watches tv the rest of the day. or naps. oh my gosh, SO many naps. But sometimes I have to stop and think-a few years ago I was angry that he wasn’t home, and that he smelled of drugs and was doing them day and night. That he was hearing voices and seeing things.
So when I put it in perspective like that, we are actually doing pretty well.
Benefits of Forgiveness in Marriage
God pulled at my heart strings a couple months ago and told me it was time to forgive him. And so I did! There was a lot of crying, and afterwards I felt so free and incredible. God knew exactly what needed to be done and when.
So now we are still trying to put each other first at some point every day. We talk about things that are frustrating us more than we used to and in turn it has diminished a lot of stupid arguments. We are both a lot happier than we were. And so are our kids.
So that’s our story. So much heartbreak, sadness, anger, resentment, mistrust etc… and now it has turned into connection, laughter, trust, love, and forgiveness.
Little by little we are remembering why we got married in the first place. It is definitely work, but it is so worth it.
This author utilized a combination of prayer, medical help, marriage therapy, and family assistance to heal her marriage. If you want to learn more about how to deal with addiction in a relationship, read our other stories about substance abuse & addiction or our general resources page. Another good resource is SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
Thanks again to this incredible author for working so hard on saving her family, and for sharing her beautiful story.