Closer to You: Who Should Go to Marriage Counseling? Things to Improve Marriage, Toxic Beliefs about Marriage

by Kaylee

Have you ever wondered who should go to marriage counseling? Kaylee shares her experience with non-crisis marriage counseling. She believes that everyone has toxic beliefs about love or themselves.

If you’re searching for things to improve marriage, consider attending marriage counseling with your spouse and exploring your own toxic beliefs about love or self.

Things to Improve Marriage: Therapy and Self-Help

My hubby and I are best friends.  He still makes me light up like a Christmas tree when he walks in the room. 

Our problems have brought us closer.  We have fought, both of us, to make it so. 

There are many things that have helped us to grow closer in the past 8 years of our marriage, and I want to talk about three of these.  

First, we have come closer through therapy and self-help.  We are always trying to look for ways to improve and maintain our deep bond in our marriage. 

If you haven’t heard of John Gottman, you must look up his books!!!  I recommend beginning with The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  His research is relatable and enlightening. 

Here’s a link to a blog post from his foundation, The Gottman Institute, I really like: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/ 

Recently, my hubby and I have been completing education through a free app called “In Love While Parenting.”  A tip that the app taught me the other day was “Even the best parents get it right about 30% of the time.  Mistakes are a chance to learn.” 

This and other tips remind us that we have the opportunity to grow each day. We grow as we educate ourselves, make initially clumsy and flawed attempts to apply our knowledge, and then eventually feel the confidence and joy from applying the concepts correctly.

Who Should Go to Marriage Counseling?

We also saved up $2000 to spend on marriage counseling.  This money was spent during the most financially uncertain time of our marriage, it was used for only 12 1-hr sessions, and it was SO worth it!!!

We didn’t go to counseling because we were in a crisis.  My hubby felt our marriage was better than ever, and I felt it was at its worst point. I knew counseling was the answer, but I didn’t realize that it was because I needed counseling. 

One reason this was true was because my mental health was poor.  My mental health was better than ever, but this have me the confidence that I had some real issues from my past that I needed professional help with. 

We found a social worker at a marriage therapy clinic, and everything came out in counseling, and I was comforted to have my best friend holding my hand through it, growing with me through it.  I was grateful he was there. 

Do I Have Toxic Beliefs about Love?

We all have toxic beliefs, and sometimes we need a third person, trained to identify these lies, to help us identify and replace them.  Ever since we met with the counselor, we (and especially I) have been able to use specific tools (and emotional intelligence) to heal and grow.

Marriage counseling has helped me to improve every other aspect in my life.  My marriage has improved, my parenting has improved, my friendships have improved, and my spirituality has improved.  We spend thousands of dollars on housing, food, car, entertainment; is any of that more important than our marriage?  I recommend marriage counseling and counseling in general to everyone I meet.  

Speaking Your Spouse’s Love Language

The second thing I attribute our closeness to is that we fill each other’s cup. We are continually trying to build the other person up and sacrifice for the other person. 

We have basic needs in life, and among those is the need to feel loved.  We also need to feel special. 

We also need to feel needed or wanted.  Each of us satisfies these needs differently, and it’s up to us to figure that out.  

I feel special when my husband leaves me notes or pulls me in for a kiss.  I feel needed when he’s running out the door, and I remind him to grab his lunch. 

I feel loved when he puts down his phone, massages my back, and says “I love you”.  He may not realize that I feel these things when he does those things, so sometimes he may not fill my cup. 

He can try all he wants doing other things like putting the kids to bed–awesome!  Or surprising me with dinner–perfect!  Or buying me the T-shirt I’ve been talking about–yay! 

But making him guess until he gets it right (or expecting him to remember without reminders) is ludicrous! 

He’s human.  He’s trying. 

We will both be happier if I help him out a bit.  If he hasn’t been doing so well at filling my cup, it’s up to me to say something.  (Another great book to read if you haven’t is: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)

Having said that, I try my best to fill his cup too.  I am constantly trying to ask and discover what I can do to make him feel more loved. 

Other Things to Improve Marriage: Stop Speaking Your Own Love Language!

I find it’s easy to assume something that makes me feel loved would make him feel loved, but it’s simply not true. The first couple years of our marriage, I planned a surprise party for his birthday, and he planned a secluded outdoor getaway for mine.

In reality, he was the one that loved to celebrate in the outdoors, and I was the one who loved getting together with a bunch of friends. We’re trying to make the other person feel loved, and at times it may be clumsy or awkward, but in the end it is beautiful and meaningful.

How Faith and Religion Play Into Relationships

Third, we have faith.  Faith in God, faith in ourselves, and faith in each other. 

I have seen and felt the pain and torment that comes from trying to control someone else, someone you love dearly.  One way I had to overcome this was by finding peace in acknowledging that my husband chooses me.

The truth is my husband has the choice every day to choose me or someone (or something) else.  I make that same choice as well. 

I can control my choice, but I cannot do anything to make him choose me. No matter how beautiful, kind, smart, funny, sexy, loving, or how good of a cook I am, he may still choose someone else at any time. 

While I am convinced neither he nor I would cheat at any point, we can’t force each other to think or feel a certain way. I struggled with this concept for a long time before getting married. 

I don’t like to gamble on anything.  And when I do, I like to know my odds. 

But marriage feels like the biggest leap of faith I could ever make.  When I met my husband, I squirmed and stressed and struggled as things got more serious, but I finally decided that if I could take a chance on anyone, it would be this man.  (But is there a better bet than love?)

We’ve made that leap of faith together every day since, and we’ve been rewarded with a beautiful, fulfilling love.  

Trust Your Own Decisions in your Relationship

We have faith in ourselves as well.  If you think that you’re a fool, then any decision you make could be foolish, right? 

You have to believe that you can and do make great decisions in order to actually do great things. I have faith that I can make the best marriage in the world with my husband, and he believes the same. We believe we can do it, and we’re working hard to stay close and make it happen.

Lastly, we have faith in God.  Not everyone is interested in religion, but we love to discuss philosophy, ethics, and religion. 

We happen to agree on around 90% of the things we discuss, and one of those big topics is that God not only exists, but He is in our marriage. We are bound to Him even more than we are bound to each other, and we include God in our big decisions. 

We know He led us to make the career choices we’ve made because we prayed for His guidance.  We know that He was with us when we decided to have children because we prayed for His guidance. 

We know He loves us, no matter what happens in our marriage, and He will help us build our deep bond into something glorious.  

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” –Hebrews 11:1

Next time you are wondering who should go to marriage counseling, or if you or your spouse should go to marriage counseling, remember Kaylee’s experiences.

“Marriage counseling has helped me to improve every other aspect in my life.  My marriage has improved, my parenting has improved, my friendships have improved, and my spirituality has improved.  We spend thousands of dollars on housing, food, car, entertainment; is any of that more important than our marriage?  I recommend marriage counseling and counseling in general to everyone I meet.”

If you’re searching for more things to improve your marriage, check out our categories of stories or our resource pages.

It’s time to alleviate toxic beliefs about marriage and see how your life and perspective can change. Our affiliate links are all about education so you can change your outlook, and in turn change your marriage forever.

**Thank you to Pexels for many of our images.